Lost

I have come to realize that the stages of grief are not linear as some may think.  One may not move from denial/shock to bargaining, depression, then anger and onto acceptance. Grief is not orderly and there is not time frame to when or how you will process it. The most difficult feelings to process may hit you at the most inopportune times and people will say things just to say them instead of thinking through how it could truly affect the person on the receiving end.

Paul and I are in the midst of this grieving process as I write this.

Our hearts are aching from their brokenness for our babies that we will not get to hold this side of heaven.

We started our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) treatment in January and it did not have the outcome which we prayed for, hoped for and longed for. We had multiple doctor appointments where everything looked wonderful. I was on a multitude of medications including shots, pills, inserts, lozenges all to prepare my body for and to sustain a pregnancy.

When our babies came out of the thaw one of them looked textbook perfect and the other while not given a top notch grade was still dividing, growing and had a good chance. Our babies were transferred in early February.

I started feeling nauseous, I began gagging when brushing my teeth and my aversion to chicken showed up. Our excitement grew for this/these new life/lives.

Names started swirling through my head. There were talks over if we would need a minivan. How would we reorganize the house if we needed the computer room to transform into a little girls room… etc.

My symptoms began to lessen and I had a bad feeling about my blood test that was coming up. A few days later I had my blood drawn to check my levels -- the number was low. Continuous prayers began to flow for our babies lives. We were down but not out, at least not yet. Three days later I had another blood draw -- our nurse called with the news the number climbed, but only by 5, it should have at least doubled.

Miscarriage was imminent, she said I would miscarry, that it was only a matter of time. I cannot describe the feelings that overwhelmed me at that moment. My prayers continued. I scoured the internet for stories of low hCG levels which ended in a healthy baby. Certainly the numbers were misleading and the nurse was wrong. This was how we were supposed to get our babies, to complete our family.

Four days later the cramping began and my pregnancy came to an end on March 3rd.  Or at least that is what we thought. I had to go in on March 9th to have a blood test confirm that my levels had dropped and I was no longer pregnant. That is not what happened though.

My levels had risen -- I was now more pregnant than I was 2 weeks ago, my level was up to 116. Given that I stopped my medications and bleed this should not be the case. I went in for another blood test and an ultrasound. My blood test revealed that my levels were rising and in fact aligning more with the doubling time that doctors look for. On March 11th we found out my levels rose from 116 to 227.

Unfortunately an ultrasound revealed that my womb was empty, the doctor continued to search looking next at my tubes as that would be problematic. There was no sign of anything in my tubes either. The doctor then saw what he was looking for but in a place which was unexpected. One of the embryos implanted in my ovary. My doctor said in all of his years he had never seen this happen with an FET, that if this were to happen it was more likely with an IUI or natural conception.

It was becoming clear that my initial surge in hormones and symptoms was one of the embryos implanting in my uterus and resulting in an early miscarriage, then the other embryo traveled up my tube and implanted in my ovary about a week later. Had the embryo in my uterus not miscarried my levels would have risen normally, the doctor would not have looked any further than my uterus and we would have no idea the danger my life was in.

There was no choice in what happened next, I had two options:

1. have injections of a medication which targets rapidly multiplying cells and destroys them

-or-

2. surgery. SURGERY, which would not only remove the embryo but take part or all of my ovary with it. surgery.

If we choose to do nothing it would be a matter of time before my ovary burst and I would begin to bleed internally which if not dealt with swiftly (with emergency surgery) would kill me.

So I was prepped for the injections, the physical pain I could deal with but the emotional toll was significant. Then I was told my blood levels could rise for another 4 days and after that they should start dropping so in 1 week I would need to have repeat blood work completed.

If my levels were not dropping I would need to be reassessed and the doctor would determine if another round of injections would be administered or if I would need to have surgery.

The next round of blood-work revealed that my hormone levels were still climbing, though slower than previously. I was told I would need to come back in, and since the growth would have been minimal so I could try another round of injections.

Seven days after my second round of injections on March 31st, I had blood-work done again, this time when the results came back the news was bittersweet. My levels had begun to drop. I will have to continue to have my blood levels checked to make sure that my hormone levels continue to drop and eventually hit zero.

Causing my levels to drop was the point of the injections -- and while it meant that I would not have to endure surgery and that I would not need to worry about any internal bleeding, it also meant the end of a life -- a life that we fought so hard to conceive, a life that we desperately wanted, a life that we will never forget.

While it is extremely difficult processing this loss, it is compacted by the thought that our family is not complete and that if it were in our power we would try again when we felt ready.

Unfortunately for us it is not as simple as just trying again…

"It has been said time heals all wounds.  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it's never gone." 

- Rose Kennedy