Not again....

On Saturday Grumpy Old Lady and Senile Old Lady were there, where are my regular REs!! Of course I get Senile Old Lady. She is a bit more proficient in the photo category but has trouble multi-tasking. Forgets if she gave you back your medical card, and this time while looking at my sonogram photos realized she forgot to get one of my endometrium. So, I had to go back in the room have another sonogram done and once I was dressed for the second time and back in the office she announces "see I did take a photo of it." It was on the sheet she was originally looking at when she decided she didn't take it.

Finally she got her self together and managed to book me an appointment for my 5th IUI on Monday the 15th. I was told to take my HCG injection on Saturday evening. Which is also very different from any other cycle we have done. Usually we did the HCG on the night before the IUI not a day and a half before.

The IUI will take place on the 14th day of my cycle whereas all 4 of our other cycles it was between day 18-20. I am hoping that maybe all of this just means that my body is on track this cycle and that THIS IS IT!

So that is where we are at. Praying, wishing, hoping and giving it to God.

Nelly the Needle

CD 8-11 this month we used 2amps of Menopur. The last time we did a Clomid/Menopur cycle we had to do injections for 9 days! This time only 4 days...This cycle has been all over the place. I was upset when on Friday the regular REs were not in the office. There was New Girl and Grumpy Old Lady, and with my luck of the draw I got New Girl. She had a difficult time getting good photos of my follicles the only other time she did my sonogram. The first time she had to have the regular RE step in to get the job done. This time she said she saw 2 follicles on the left and nothing on the right... um, yea 2 days ago there were 9! I had to go in again on Saturday for another sonogram since my follicles were getting so big.

Pill Poppin

I am on 100mg of Clomid CD3-7Getting my meds ready for the evening.

My 2 Clomid, low dose aspirin and vitamin

I have been getting myself to the track again and between beginning my new cycle and the jog/walking I feel my spirit being lifted. I pray constantly that things will work out, that we will be able to have our child. I feel strongly that God wouldn't put this deep desire in my heart just to cause pain. Tomorrow is appointment #2 so we can see how things are progressing along. Praying that everything is moving forward smoothly and that lots of follicles are developing.

You know you are infertile when....

You go to pick up your prescriptions from the pharmacy

&

they hand you a grocery bag!Here is my arsenal for the next month

I have been in a sad place for the last couple weeks. I was not happy about having to wait a cycle because they wanted to see me on day 7 and that would have been the day after New Years. Last time I checked Jan. 2nd was not a holiday! Anyways. At my appointment the RE said everything looks good, no cysts or other worries. We are off and running with our 5th attempt. Here goes nothing (everything)!

Really? Really!

Just what every infertile wants to see every single time they have to go in for a sonogram to see how their follicles are doing...

A WALL OF BABIES!

Sometimes it gives me hope, sometimes it makes me mad.

Look at all those beautiful miracles, where's ours?

Seriously!

After 38 stinkin days AF finally decided to arrive. A week late! I truly hate when that happens because there is a glimmer of hope and it hurts so much more when AF is late than if she arrived on time. In just a little bit I will be calling the RE and setting up my CD3 apt. for IUI #5.

I am exhausted from trying to get pregnant...when will it happen...

Duh

NOT pregnant. I went in for blood tests 2 days before Christmas and got a BFN. I cannot begin to explain the heartache that ensued. It felt as though I had gone into shock. I was so certain that the treatment was going to work this time. There was much sobbing and just letting DH hold me. This time hurt so much more than the others. I cannot explain why. On Christmas Eve I did everything possible to convince the Mr. that I should stay home instead of going to his folks for the festivities. I was very unsure that I could hold myself together for an evening.

I have a peace about going forward with treatment. I am ready to get back in there. We had to take a month off because of timing over the holidays. So now I wait out the next few weeks till I can begin my next round of treatment.

been there...

10 hours

I am thinking the best thing right now is just to get these thoughts out in writing so maybe not so many will be bouncing around in my head. In about 10 hours I will be going in for my Beta test. I feel like I am going crazy inside.

I have been feeling "PMS/pregnancy symptoms" for about a week-week and a half now. However these could also be the side effects of all the drugs I have been on for this cycle. Things like cramping, stretching and pings of pain in my abdomen. I feel nauseous every now and again. Sometimes after eating I have mild acid reflux going on ( or that's what it feels like). I looked flushed constantly and feel hot but do not have a temperature.

This could just be normal symptoms for me before AF arrives, it could also be that I am starting to get sick. However I did google early pregnancy signs and all of these things popped up in people who ended up being pregnant.

I am praying constantly that it worked this time, that I am pregnant and everything will work out alright. Please Please Please!

I don't think I am very prepared for a negative result right now...

Owwwwch!

Today was IUI #4

The Mr. and I got up very early. I got ready, popped 800mg of Aspirin and headed to Kaiser. Handed in my specimen then sat in the waiting room trying to relax and read my book.

After about 45 min. I was called back and told they were ready to begin. I took a peek at the slide show and then prepared myself. The nurses came in and said as we had discussed they were going to try and first use a baby catheter and see if they couldn't accomplish the mission with it. Unfortunately they could not. Then with the regular one which has a guide wire she tried a couple times still with no success. Finally she had the new nurse hold down on the specula while she pulled the tongs and was able to VERY slowly make her way to where the ideal place for the specimen to be is. SHE GOT IN!!!

The past 3 IUI's the nurses who did them were very unsuccessful so I have been praying that this time would work and that with the new knowledge of how my insides are built the nurse would be able to make it happen.

During all of this it was extremely painful! I am not sure if the nurse was whispering or talking normally but I was so concentrated on my breathing and trying to not yelp in pain, and relax my abdomen I couldn't hear what she was saying. There was one point when I almost sat up and said all done, it hurts to bad. I knew that if I could just focus on my breathing that I could make it through. So that is what I did, deep breaths in and out counting very slowly.

I thanked them profusely for their effort and belief that they could get this done. Once the nurses left I began to cry and just thanked God over and over for allowing this part of my prayers to be answered. It is definitely a hurdle I am glad to be over, and to know that it is possible for their procedure to work.

Now begins the dreaded 2ww. I am supposed to go in on 12.23.09 for a blood pregnancy test which scares me. I am not sure that if it is bad news I could handle that so close to Christmas what with all the family events and whatnot. We will see. I suppose I would rather know, than be hopeful all Christmas only to find out the day after that their is bad news.

I pray that this is my one and only Clomid/Menopur cycle before getting pregnant. The side effects have been unpleasant and the daily needles began to hurt the last 4 days.

Please Lord let me conceive during this cycle!

Lucky 4

As scheduled I went in for another sono this morning. I was glad to see my regular ladies there once again. She checked me out and said I have FOUR follicles that could be viable, and a few other smaller that probably wont make it to ovulation. My left side is out doing it self with THREE follicles, a 20, 17.5 and 15. The one follicle on the right is around a 16.5. The three larger look like they should ovulate and to give the 15 a little more time to grow I will be doing my HCG shot late this evening.

My regular nurse said that after looking at my curved entrance to my uterus she doesn't think that the Cytotec or Laminaria will really help anything. She is fairly certain that the 3 Clomid cycles we did since the Cytotec didn't really help then, that it wont now and that it is because of the shape. She feels that nothing is closed off as they originally thought and that if they clamp differently she will be able to straighten out the path and not have to use those other medications.

So the plan is HCG tonight, then bright and early on 12.9.09 I will go in with my specimen at 7:30am. Before I leave my house I am to take 800mg of Ibuprofen to help with pain management. The nurse who noticed the curve to my uterus has said she wants to be the one to do my insemination this time around. She is going to try and use a baby catheter and see if she can get in, if not she will use the regular one with a guide wire and hope that by clamping it differently she will be able to have a straight shot.

I was assured that if she was unable to get all the way in that she would not count this cycle against the number of cycles that we can seek treatment.

______

OPK test this morning... very negative.

Insemination will not be on Monday like the fill-in lady thought could happen.

on the 11th and 14th day....

I had a sono apt. on Wednesday (12.2.09). The nurses checked made sure everything was going as planned. Played picture pages with my ovaries. Measured a few of the larger follicles. Said to continue with the Menopur 2 vials a night and return on Saturday morning for another look.

Today none of the regular nurses I see were in. I don't like it when I have to see a fill-in. They are no where as good, don't know much of the history and are curt. The red head that did the sono today only measured 2 follicles. Told me that I should be testing with an OPK on Sunday and would probably need to come in Monday morning for my insemination which meant I couldn't do the Cytotec or Laminaria as is planned since for the past 3 IUI's no one has been able to get all the way into my cervix. Today the two follicles that were measured were about a size 16 and 13 the rest she said were too small to worry about.

I must admit I am disappointed that there are only 2. I would have liked there to be 3-4 to give us a much greater chance. Hopefully with the Cytotex and Laminaria they will be able to get in during the IUI.

I am also experiencing quite a few of the side effects of the medication. During the Clomid I only had hot flashes. The Menopur is causing nasuea, constipation, perpetually tired and will start to nod off during in opportune moments but cannot always fall asleep when I want to. My abdomen also feels full and I can feel the ovaries working overtime. The shots have not been too terrible, they do hurt to have them done on the left more than on the right. My dear Bubba keeps apologizing every night after he has to stick me. Thing is it doesn't bother me to much. It is our prayer this is the last time we will have to do the injectibles because I am able to conceive, otherwise we will have to wait till after the holidays to start up the next round.

Just beginning

At my sonogram appointment on Saturday I was told I do have some follicles beginning to grow. The nurse didn't give me an exact number but said that everything looked good, I saw her measure at least 5, she also said there was a smaller cluster but they were little and she wasn't going to worry about them. I finished up the Clomid last night, this evening when Paul gets home he will help me with the first Menopur injection. I am not apprehensive about the injection itself. I am apprehensive about mixing the medication correctly though. Next appointment is Wednesday. Will hopefully know more then.

Ugh

It isn't that others shouldn't be blessed with children, it is why can't I be! All of these people from my past keep popping up pregnant and I am frustrated. I am really struggling to be happy for them. Some have been wanting and trying to have another baby for quite sometime but I feel like someone just punched me in the ovaries. It hurts so bad!

So I went in for my baseline appointment yesterday (11.24.09) I was told everything looked good. But that they did notice the path to the uterus has a curve to it, sort of C shaped. I was quickly told that it was not abnormal, doesn't have anything to do with me not getting pregnant that is just the way I am built. The nurse did say that seeing how it is shaped may help with my next insemination. I started Clomid last night, and will continue through Saturday. My next sonogram and blood draw appointment is 830 Saturday morning.

Long Break

So we have been on a sabbatical of sorts from infertility drugs. Due to vacation conflicts, a sono-hystergram and insurance issues we had to take about a 3 month break. My cycle has started and I will have my first appointment for blood work and to check to make sure there are no cysts on Tuesday. We are moving on to the next stage in infertility treatment. I will be doing a Clomid/Menopur cycle this month, with progesterone tabs.

I will be checking in on here every time I have an appointment.

5 stages of finding our you're not pregnant

If I don't laugh, I'll cry...so here ya go....

Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial
No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger
Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels.

Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period.
Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.

Coping

I found this and thought it might help others, I could definitely relate.....

Each individual experiences infertility in her or his own unique and valid way. While no one can predict one person's reaction to a diagnosis or treatment recommendation, many have similar reactions to this life-changing event.

Emotional/psychological experiences may include:

•feelings of loss of control are common and sometimes uncomfortable
•the emotional roller coaster of hope and despair, either with each treatment or on a monthly basis
•feelings of failure and low self-esteem are normal as are feeling of guilt, blame, shame and embarrassment
•the process erodes and consumes time and energy
•financial issues - loss of other dreams in exchange for treatment
•changes within your relationship - pull together or apart - infertility brings most couples closer together but changes in intimacy are often associated with treatment regimens
•impact on employment and performance at work
•feelings of injustice are reality based

Suggestions for coping more effectively:

•begin/continue treatment with an open mind and a positive attitude - never say never!
•realize that you must live and work in the fertile world, and manage your relationships with family members and friends
•develop a stress management program - simplify!
•Confide in select friends and family members
•periodically reexamine your options
•consider joining a support group
•grieve your losses - there are many for some people engage in individual or couples therapy if your infertility is secondary, try to renew your relationship with your child
•be gentle with yourself avoid uncomfortable social situations - holidays, baby showers, certain family gatherings be "out of town" buy gift certificates and mail them with your negative rsvp

It is important to maintain the perspective that treatment is a means to an end, and to realize that you are very likely to become a parent someday soon.

Infertility is like a broken bone. When it heals, it will be stronger than ever, but on rainy days, it hurts…….

Let me count the ways...

I found this information today and thought it was interesting. I’m not sure if it gives me hope (knowing there a million things that could go wrong, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me,) or makes me feel worse that there are so MANY things that have to fall perfectly in place before a pregnancy can even happen!

There are probably hundreds of "causes" of infertility. What this means is that there are a lot of things that have to happen perfectly in order to conceive and have a baby.
As an overly simplified example of the science involved:


The hormones that stimulate egg development must be made in the brain and pituitary and be released properly
The egg must be of sufficient quality and be chromosomally normal
The egg must develop to maturity
The brain must release a sufficient surge of the LH hormone to stimulate final maturation of the egg
The follicle (eggs develop in structures called follicles in the ovaries) must rupture and release the follicular fluid and the egg
The tube must "pick up" the egg
The sperm must survive their brief visit in the vagina, enter the cervical mucous, swim to the fallopian tube and "find" the egg
The sperm must be able to get through the cumulus cells around the egg and bind the shell (zona pellucida) of the egg
The sperm must undergo a biochemical reaction and release their DNA package (23 chromosomes) into the egg
The fertilized egg must be able to divide
The early embryo must continue to divide and develop normally
After 3 days, the tube should have transported the embryo down into the uterus
The embryo must continue to develop and expand into a blastocyst
The blastocyst must hatch out of its shell
The endometrial lining of the uterus must be properly developed and receptive
The hatched blastocyst must attach to the endometrial lining and "implant"
Many more miracles in early embryonic and fetal development must then follow...


A weak link anywhere in this chain will cause failure to conceive

AND that doesn't even take into account the process of "doing it" on the right day, and making sure the sperm is in the fallopian tube during those 12 hours of the egg being released!!

"It takes longer"

"It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed!" Tina Fey in Baby Mama

From what I have learned in talking with the infertility nurses and reading stories from different folks there are few people who have a copay or don't have to pay anything out of pocket for infertility treatments. The majority of couples have to pay 50% or 100% of the cost for their infertility treatments.

50% at Kaiser is as follows...

Preliminary lab tests $134.00

Initial visit w/ infertility doctor $140.50

Nurse visit w/sonogram (multiple times a month) $130.00

Follow up visit w/ IUI (once a month) $204.50

Follow up visit w/infertility doctor $95.50

Nurse visit $40.00

Hysterosalpingogram w/inj $351.50

hCG prescription (per month) $ 24.02

Clomid prescription (per month) $14.67

This takes you through first visits, 3 months of treatment on Clomid, and a look inside to make sure nothing is blocked. If one was to move on to the next step it would get insanely more expensive. The injectible drugs which would be used cost between $300-600 a month, and that is just one of the medications and assumes you can get by on the lowest dosage!

I am just sharing because it blows my mind how much those who cannot conceive and want to so badly pay for even a small chance at it.

2010 edit - I wish we could pay these prices now.... it is a marble in a bowl, now we need a whole bowl full of marbles.