Last Chance IUI

Today is the day. I have never been so scared and excited at the same time. I wish I could push all of the what-ifs out of my head.

The procedure was not a dream come true like last time. It was very painful, although I am glad that the RE was able to get all the way in.

Now we wait....

In 2 days I will start the progesterone and will continue for the next 2 weeks.

Final monitoring

My last sonogram was done today. Wow were those follicles growing! The RE mentioned that I had 2 follicles at size 20. This is a big growth as 3 days before that they were 13s. Generally they grow 1mm each day. Mine grew about 2mm each day, I suppose that could be because of the increase in medication for me. I am not sure what sizes the other follicles were but I would estimate they grew about 4-6mm from what they were at my last appointment as well. I do not know what the odds of all of those follicles having eggs, or how many eggs might be released. I was given my HCG shot right there on the spot and told to come back tomorrow for the IUI @ 9am.

My abdomen has been feeling really full and I have been taking naps every day (so not normal for me). My mind feels fuzzy much of the time, like I cant completely concentrate on anything completely.

My Mr. is an amazing man. We don't sit down and have long drawn out conversations about what is going on, but we do discuss our fears, dreams, hopes. We hope and pray that it works this time. We know there is a much higher chance of getting pregnant this month but IF we don't we also know that it isn't the end of our journey. We know people who have gotten pregnant spontaneously after going through much more, with DX of IF and knowing what is wrong. We wont give up our hope, although sometimes it is insanely difficult and we feel as though we have been run over by a dump truck.

blog from IFer who finds reasons to smile through IF

Why am I not pregnant yet? I ask. I plead. I beg,
Why won’t Mr. Sperm just fertilize my egg?
It feels like everyone is pregnant, everyone but us,
Please let us jump on board this crowded fertile bus.
Baby bumps are everywhere! Please just grant our wish,
Even our goldfish, Patches, is expecting a baby fish!
Celebrities seem to sport a bump and a pregnant glow,
While I get bloated from fertility meds and curse my Aunty Flo.
We have tried EVERYTHING from doctors to special tea,
Every month, we plant our seeds so fertilize my tree!
And then we have to wait and wait to get our special sign,
But still a negative pregnancy test flashes just one line.
I can’t wait to be a mom, it will fill my life with roses,
Bring on the dirty diapers, puke and runny noses!
Our hearts are filled with anguish and our throats just have a lump,
We just want our miracle baby and that special baby bump.
But one day it will be our turn, I really do believe,
Our miracle will happen and then I will conceive.
Until then, we will save our tears and just learn how to cope,
We will still enjoy our lives and hold onto hope.

Mid-cycle

Had my mid-cycle appointment this morning. Luckily I did not have Ms. Meany-pants. The nurse took a look and said everything is looking good. My lining is over a 10. I have 4 follicles on each ovary and 2 on each side are growing nicely. The right side has 2 follicles at size 13+ and the left has 2 follicles at 11+ and 10+. We are praying in the next 3 days the left side catches up to the right side. I am to continue with the 3amps Menopur and go back to the RE on Thursday. We are looking at a Friday or Saturday IUI.

I am scared that this is our last shot.
I am frightened it wont work, or if it does that the pregnancy wont be viable.
I am prayerful. Lord please help me through this.

blog from IFer who did 5 IVFs

I'm doing ok.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I'm living the phrase "fake it til you make it" to keep a good perspective on life and infertility. And what it has done to me.

Believe me, it has done a number on me.

And I don' t always have to fake it. Most of the time I am genuinely happy. And genuinely happy for others as they attain what I cannot. That's a switch, as I must confess there was a time, when I was deep in the trenches of IVF, that seeing someone else succeed grabbed me around the heart and squeezed hard as I would have that desperate sense that "there's another BFP gone and it wasn't mine." I know you understand.

Recently I was on an IF blog and saw a link to a whole lotta CCRM blogs, all grouped together. And you know they were nearly all successes.

Maybe I should stop reading IF blogs? I try to keep supporting those who are in the trenches, sometimes I get support back, but sometimes not. I know there's not as much to say when someone's not actively in the process.

Seeing that dedicated CCRM blog roll just reminded me that I'm in such an isolated club. Yes, I know there are other members and man am I glad to have found them, though sorry they're in it with me. And I know there are so many 'clubs' of IF that are horrible and awful and dreadful but why do there have to be any at all? Why did this have to happen this way?

I love to read Lis's blog because she is so raw and honest. I hate with all my heart what has happened to her but I'm honored to know her and to support her on her journey. She wrote a post recently entitled "Still." She wrote this: "it still hits me about three minutes after i wake up" and she is referring to the loss of her beautiful twin girls.

While I have not suffered a physical loss such as she has, it still sometimes hits me that I'm infertile. That we're at the end of the road. We're done with massive amounts of treatment and it did.not.work.

Huh?

It didn't work? How's that again?

How is it that we poured every ounce of our being into making a baby and couldn't? How is it that the top clinic in the country couldn't help us, not once, but twice? How is it that we went through five in vitro cycles and still are only attending birthday parties and baby showers as outside guests and never holding our own?

Huh?

So yeah, I know I wrote my last post about not being paralyzed.

I'm not.

But I still hurt.

Somedays more than others. Somedays not much at all. Somedays so much I think all the healing has been for nothing because I'll never be healed.

Damn.



...........................
I know that we have not been through nearly as much as this woman and her husband but many of the same sentaments are true for us as well. We arent yet imbarking on the IVF journey but we have gone through 6 IUI's. I am fearful that this could be my story. Dear Lord, please bless us with our baby.

post from fellow IFer who already had 1 miscarriage

I had a post all typed up yesterday about how nervous I was about the ultrasound today. I listed all the things that I thought could go wrong - no fetal pole, no heartbeat, empty sac, no yolk sac. Funny thing is the one thing that happened, I didn't mention on that list. I didn't publish that post because it was pretty lame bunch of rambling and I knew only time would tell if things were okay.

Last night I was having some serious abdominal cramping. I couldn't figure out what was causing it but thought it might be gas / constipation. Then just before bed, I saw it, bright red blood flowing. Fuck, I thought, it's over.

I cried big wet tears last night and finally got myself to sleep. Overnight I didn't have much more significant bleeding, just a bit of brown on the pad when I got up this morning. So, I wasn't feeling very positive about the pregnancy, but I thought maybe, just maybe there was a chance that things were still okay. I cried most of the way to the doctor's office and I was petrified of what was going to come out of that appointment.

The ultrasound was long. After a few minutes of moving and clicking, the tech told me she couldn't find anything in my uterus. Obviously not good news. I asked if maybe since the dates were off and it implanted late if it could still be too small to see. Not really with the way my beta levels were last week. Then she said she would start looking in the fallopian tubes. She saw something that looked suspicious in my right tube and went to grab the doctor.

My doctor came in and said that I was 6 weeks today and there should be something visible in the uterus at this point if this was a viable pregnancy, even if I was a few days behind. After looking at the suspicious mass in my tube, she said that this is an ectopic pregnancy and they'll draw blood and if my beta levels are still rising, they'll give me methatrexate to dissolve the pregnancy tomorrow morning. Then I we'll be out of TTC for another 3 months. If they're low, I might get out of getting the shot if the pregnancy is being dissolved naturally, but either way, this pregnancy is not viable. There's no way that this could work.

Goodbye, 2010 baby. Goodbye my little amazing surprise.

Another time where my hopes a dreams get crushed.

Why is this happening? Can't I catch a fucking break at some point? How the hell am I supposed to go on? How the heck am I supposed to function after all of this heartache?

Why me? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my wanting heart get stomped on over and over again? Why is this so fucking hard?

I don't know what to do with myself. I took the day off of work. I don't know if I'll be able to make it in tomorrow. I don't know how I'm supposed to care about anything right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Last Chance

I went in for my baseline appointment and I was given the all clear. The 3 cysts are gone, thank the Lord! The protocol for this round has been changed slightly. I will still take 2 tablets of Clomid for 5 days. After that I will be doing 3amps of Menopur (up from 2 the previous cycles) until the follicles are large enough and we are ready to do the IUI.

The nurse I saw today was quite rude. Telling me it was not okay to show up on day 2 of my cycle instead of day 3. (does it really make a difference?) She reprimanded me even though I explained I had to be down at my mom's that evening and there was no way I would have been able to come in on Saturday morning. Said next time if that happened I would just have to cancel the cycle and come back the following month. (look at my chart, there wont be a NEXT MONTH!) I really dislike her. She is always in a foul mood.

Every Month

post from IFer that really resonated with me

I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.

We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*

As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.

I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.

I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.

I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.

*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.