post from fellow IFer who already had 1 miscarriage

I had a post all typed up yesterday about how nervous I was about the ultrasound today. I listed all the things that I thought could go wrong - no fetal pole, no heartbeat, empty sac, no yolk sac. Funny thing is the one thing that happened, I didn't mention on that list. I didn't publish that post because it was pretty lame bunch of rambling and I knew only time would tell if things were okay.

Last night I was having some serious abdominal cramping. I couldn't figure out what was causing it but thought it might be gas / constipation. Then just before bed, I saw it, bright red blood flowing. Fuck, I thought, it's over.

I cried big wet tears last night and finally got myself to sleep. Overnight I didn't have much more significant bleeding, just a bit of brown on the pad when I got up this morning. So, I wasn't feeling very positive about the pregnancy, but I thought maybe, just maybe there was a chance that things were still okay. I cried most of the way to the doctor's office and I was petrified of what was going to come out of that appointment.

The ultrasound was long. After a few minutes of moving and clicking, the tech told me she couldn't find anything in my uterus. Obviously not good news. I asked if maybe since the dates were off and it implanted late if it could still be too small to see. Not really with the way my beta levels were last week. Then she said she would start looking in the fallopian tubes. She saw something that looked suspicious in my right tube and went to grab the doctor.

My doctor came in and said that I was 6 weeks today and there should be something visible in the uterus at this point if this was a viable pregnancy, even if I was a few days behind. After looking at the suspicious mass in my tube, she said that this is an ectopic pregnancy and they'll draw blood and if my beta levels are still rising, they'll give me methatrexate to dissolve the pregnancy tomorrow morning. Then I we'll be out of TTC for another 3 months. If they're low, I might get out of getting the shot if the pregnancy is being dissolved naturally, but either way, this pregnancy is not viable. There's no way that this could work.

Goodbye, 2010 baby. Goodbye my little amazing surprise.

Another time where my hopes a dreams get crushed.

Why is this happening? Can't I catch a fucking break at some point? How the hell am I supposed to go on? How the heck am I supposed to function after all of this heartache?

Why me? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my wanting heart get stomped on over and over again? Why is this so fucking hard?

I don't know what to do with myself. I took the day off of work. I don't know if I'll be able to make it in tomorrow. I don't know how I'm supposed to care about anything right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.