Nail on the Head!

#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend

You (hopefully) have many supportive friends that you can lean on during your infertility journey. They may not always understand what you’re going through but they are always around to listen. And then there are your other friends…

Well-meaning as they are, some friends are more supportive than others. Sometimes their advice really doesn’t seem to help…
•You have the “Have-you-ever-thought-about-adopting?” friend. Great idea! Adopting a child seems like an easy and fun thing to do! I’ll just ask Brad and Angelina to help me out.
•The “I-guess-your-uterus-and-parts-are-really-damaged” friend. Thanks for your sensitive comment. Me and my damaged lady parts enjoyed it!
•The “Why-don’t-you-just-go-on-vacation-and-you’ll-come-back-pregnant-too” friend. Funny. We’re been on vacation and came back infertile each time. Should I go to a specific destination next time?
•The “I-heard-raspberry-leaf-tea-was-good” friend. I drank it for several months. It was gross and I’m still infertile.
•The “My-friend-got-pregnant-doing-IVF. Why-don’t-you-call-her-doctor” friend. Sure, I’d love to wait another six months to see a new doctor. Can you lend me $10,000 for IVF?
•The “I-have-a-friend-who-adopted-and-then-got-pregnant” friend. Great! I’ll just follow that helpful piece of advice.
•The “It-will-happen-just-give-it-time” friend. We’ll, I’m reaching menopause and we’ve been trying for 10 years but I’ll just wait it out, like you suggested.

Thanks a lot for your advice.
The message is if you want to support someone going through infertility, just listen and don’t give anymore advice.

13 Responses to “#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend”

CaturdayNurse says:
2010/11/29 at 3:21 pm
These are right on the money. When I complain about it to my mom, she tells me, “Well, people are uncomfortable so they just want to try to help by offering advice.” How is it my problem that my horrible situation makes Buffy a little squeamish? Go take a flying leap! I’ll remember to tell them,”Oh, it’ll get better soon- just give it time,” when they annouce their cancer diagnoses. After all, platitudes must be better than a gentle pat on the back, otherwise they wouldn’t always be escaping someone’s lips. Empathy, people, not spewage of hurtfulness!

cw sys:
2010/11/29 at 3:23 pm
ugh the my friend got pregnant doing ivf – call her doctor one really upsets me. i like my doctor. it has been one fresh cycle. lay off. i don’t want to see another doctor if I did I would let you know. and the give it time. easy for them to say when they fall pregnant on the first go. it has been two years. i-have-given-it-time!!!! on an aside the RLT hasn’t necessary worked for me but it has improved my cycle so there is one plus!

Jenn says:
2010/11/29 at 5:04 pm
I love your blog, it’s nice to read something I can relate to. I have a friend who is always pushing her dr on me, no thanks I like my dr. Then my aunt told me it will happen if I believe. Didn’t know that’s all it took.

cherbear says:
2010/11/30 at 6:53 am
the worst thing is “maybe its just not the right time”. Um okay yeah just WHEN is the right time?? And since I have to do IVF, someone please tell me when the right time is so we can plan our cycle at that time, thanks.

sassyNtubeless says:
2010/11/30 at 8:29 am
ha ha thanks for this post! it really helps, esp after when the holidays are coming up!! my favorite is go on vacation and you’ll come back pregnant! HAHA
will this vacation include my RE doctor accompanying us??

Emily says:
2010/11/30 at 9:23 am
I love this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets “those” comments and unwarranted advice from friends and family. The Dr. one really gets me–as though one Dr. is better than another or more of a miracle worker than the one I’ve been funneling my paycheck to? And to think that I have just been re-trying with the SAME Dr. instead of a new, better Dr.? Ugh. Sorry.

libby @ ninesandquines says:
2010/11/30 at 9:24 am
HA!! my standard answer to the “why don’t you just adopt” has been well thought out and honed over the years…it now is “that’s a GREAT idea – can you “just” GIVE me the $30,000 to pay off the loans we took out for our infertility treatments and then another, oh, $50,000 to complete the adoption?” gets them to shut the hell up right there….love the word “just” like it’s the easiest thing in the world….GAH!

Maren says:
2010/11/30 at 10:29 am
My personal favorite was my MIL telling me it’ll happen on God’s timing. Well hate to break it to ya lady but I highly doubt God can do his part if I just sit around and wait cuz her son, my hubs, has ZERO sperm, I don’t ovulate and have endometriosis and last I checked when you pursue adoption you actually have to be proactive with it. She did have a suggestion for us, she said I could use her husbands sperm if we wanted to do donor. Uhm EW and HELL NO. Way too awkward for me. Sorry. I rambled. Hah.

Samantha says:
2010/11/30 at 11:15 am
Don’t forget the “I know it’s really rough right now but it will all be worth it in the end” friend…what the heck to they know about rough they popped out 6 kids before they were 25, give me a break!

Dani girl says:
2010/11/30 at 12:38 pm
I always love the “I know what you’re going through” friend because it took them all of 6 months to get pregnant, because those 6 months were so hard! When would they ever understand getting your period, but just because its slightly lighter than the month before this time, you wonder if you could actually be pregnant and you’re one of those women who thinks they’re having a period! Or is that just me that does that?! (I hope not!)

Francie says:
2010/11/30 at 2:39 pm
The thing that makes me crazy: “why are you doing infertility treatment when there are SO many children in this country waiting for adoption?” Yeah, because of my medical condition I have to be a martyr and adopt a kid in foster care? Do you tell fertile people not to have another kid but rather adopt a child?

Toni says:
2010/11/30 at 6:05 pm
I love my sister and she’s been incredibly supportive but the other day after explaining to her that I had to go into the doctor four days in a row because I’m on an injectable cycle, she said “Wow I really didn’t understand how involved this was all going to be. Are you guys sure adoption is off the table?” Luckily we’re close enough that I could explain everything wrong with that statement.

Mahseeyah says:
2010/11/30 at 11:12 pm
I love ‘Oh cheer up love, it’s not that bad’ right after a failed cycle. Yeah sure I’ll cheer up, I’ll just flick that switch in my brain to cheerful and that will help me get pregnant!!! Dumbass. I would like to tell them to shut the F up and get out of my face.