Thoughts on Fathers Day

By Keiko Zoll

So often men get lost in the infertility shuffle. Society often assumes that infertility is a “female” problem, but as we infertility patients know, it’s male-factor related in one-third of all cases. Even so, regardless of with whom the root causes of infertility reside within a couple, infertility does not discriminate emotionally between men and women. How that emotional impact is felt and is shown may look a little different between women and men, but the fact that infertility cuts deep remains the same.

That’s what can make Father’s Day exceptionally painful for our male counterparts.

For women facing infertility and Mother’s Day, we often hear sentiments of pity couched in hope: “Oh sweetie, maybe next year will be your year.” For men, elements of machismo find their way into Father’s Day sentiments from Now Days to hopeful Someday Days: “You’re lucky you don’t have kids” or “Here, you want mine?”

These sentiments, however well intentioned, obfuscate the very real and very valid pain men who are experiencing infertility may be feeling during these emotionally-charged holidays. And when men’s emotions are kept within a socially rigid dynamic, finding ways to express this pain can be even harder. For many men, admitting feelings of pain, grief and guilt – even to their own partners – is a sign of weakness.

And so for a lot of men experiencing infertility – who want nothing more than to be Fathers, Papas, Dads and Daddies – they feel forgotten come that third Sunday in June.

No matter how you choose to celebrate or acknowledge Father’s Day this year – or choose not to – it’s important to remember that there are Someday Dads out there, too.

Here’s to my husband.

And here’s to your partners and husbands. Here’s to all the Someday Dads: we won’t forget you.