Labeled

I have come to realize over the years that I process things through writing, that however does not mean that I am a good writer, it just means that I can't just think about it I need to see it. So bear with me as I do that...

There are some things that seem contradictory but are true at the same time. I feel like I have some strange form of PTSD mixed with survivors guilt. Ever since we announced that we were pregnant with Nate a different type of struggle emerged, one in which I wanted to declare, to physically wear a label, to shout it from the roof top --- even though I am pregnant I AM STILL INFERTILE, we worked REALLY hard to get here! Being pregnant and having my son does not erase all of the immense pain - mind body and soul, the retching heartache. You do not forget it, it stays with you. I have at times felt like a traitor as I was successful on my 1st IVF attempt as others have endured so many but everyone's story is different and we endured years of trying and failing - 6 IUIs, injections, pills, tests, procedures and the list goes on. IVF and the path it took to get there and since is not fuzzy in my mind. I remember it all. 

So now as we have come through a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy and look toward an attempt at IVF #2 - my mind is muddled with thoughts. We are so thankful to have our son, is it wrong to want another? This wouldn't even be a question if we did not have to become pregnant medically. I doubt that folks who get pregnant the "old fashioned way" have thoughts as to their motives for wanting another. 

I often read a quote or an article and think, "how did they get inside my head". I had one of those moments this morning as I read this article on 10 things I wish I could tell my past self about infertility. If you have a moment -- it is a short read and also an important one. And I would just like to say that over the past almost decade now I have grown into the person #9 talks about ... any time, any place my friends I am here, you can tell me or ask me anything, always!