Thoughts on this Mother's Day

I am intentionally skipping church this morning, because it would just be too difficult. Even though my church honors 'all' mothers (they ask every woman to stand no matter if you are a mother or not to receive a flower) I can't stand up, I feel like a fraud. Today while you are busy celebrating your mom or being a mom yourself I ask you to pause for a moment to mourn with those who mourn. Today is an especially difficult day for many more people than you can imagine. Some didn't have a good mom growing up, some don't have their mom here on earth with them, some never got the chance to hold their baby here on earth, some have had to bury their child, some never had the chance to have a child, some are dealing with infertility or secondary infertility. An enormous amount of women have aching hearts and empty arms this 'Mother's Day'.

A fellow blogger wrote:
It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the commercials for cards and flowers and myriad of morning-show segments all dedicated to the one thing you want most. And then you throw in the Sunday morning church service, with its peppy messages to “all the moms out there,” and you are now one conversation away from a meltdown.


What is the Christian’s response to all of this? Surely the answer cannot be to completely throw the proverbial Mother’s Day baby out with the muddy, consumer-driven bathwater. Instead, Paul’s simple exhortation to the Romans is a helpful framework for thinking through our response. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). How do you obey the biblical command to “rejoice with those who rejoice,” when rejoicing feels like a knife stabbing you in the heart? The truth is sometimes it is just plain hard. Good news does not always come at convenient times. In fact, sometimes the news of a friend’s pregnancy comes right after you have spent the morning weeping over your own inability to conceive. Sometimes the mother/daughter tea at church comes right after a low day of missing your own mom. 


This life is messy and sorrowful, something Paul understood when he wrote these words. Sometimes rejoicing with someone else means expressing genuine joy over their good blessing, while you wait bereaved and barren. This never negates the reality of our suffering, but it does help us to give honor where honor is due, especially on a day like Mother’s Day. 


Motherhood is a high and glorious calling. In a culture where motherhood is increasingly under attack, we should be the first to embrace and honor the gift of motherhood, even if it is a gift we have yet to receive. But as Christians, we must remember that there is a second part to that command. As hard as it is to rejoice with someone who has something you don’t, it is equally if not more difficult to weep with those who weep, especially when their tragedy seems foreign to you. How do you weep alongside the weeping woman while you have a happy, healthy baby bouncing on your hip? The reality is that if your life is fairly blessed and carefree on Mother’s Day, it is a lot easier to obey the first part of Romans 12:15. Yet we should be the first to enter into the pain that this day so often brings to so many women. From sharing a Scripture with a grieving friend to giving a card to a woman who is struggling with infertility, simply acknowledging the ache that many face is obeying the command to “weep with those who weep.” 


Motherhood is a great gift and calling, but it also bears the stamp of this fallen world. With the name “mother of all living” came the curse that the very thing we were created for would now be marred by death, pain, and loss. The answer is not to call for a moratorium on all celebrations. But nor is the answer to pretend like nothing is wrong. Regardless of your situation this Mother’s Day, Romans 12:15 is true for you. It does not take away the pain you might feel. Nor does it diminish the joy you might feel. And if we were truly honest with ourselves, we would say that obeying this command in the thick of your pain or joy is virtually impossible. 


We need Christ’s help to enable us to serve one another well in every season of life. Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything, and Mother’s Day is no exception. May our churches be a place where the glory of motherhood is upheld and honored, but the pain and sorrow of those who long for what they do not have is honored as well.

 I am asking you to remember those who are mourning while you are enjoying your flowers, cards, store bought or handmade gifts. Say a prayer for them, give them a hug, even just acknowledging their pain can be a comfort.

Spread the word!

My husband and I have started a campaign to help our fundraising efforts for IVF treatments. You can visit our site at www.indiegogo.com/hutchins .

Please help spread the word, the more people we have visit the site the better chance we have to meet our goal. Facebook It, Tweet It, Blog It, Google+ It.

There are also some fun perks you can get if you are able to donate.

3 years, 1095 days, 26280 hours, 1576800 minutes...

...since we were labeled as infertile. Some of those minutes still feel like that very first one. It is harder to breath, I feel tears falling but am unsure why, I am encompassed by so many emotions (anger, sorrow, frustration, loneliness...). At the same time I had hope during all those years. I was hopeful that we could get some answers. That we would be moving forward on a path to help us have the family we were longing for. 

If you have not been reading my blog from the beginning please take the time to go back and see all that we have walked through from 2009-2012. At the very least if you are not someone who has struggled with infertility I ask you to READ THIS because chances are someone in your life has. 

We endured numerous tests, I have taken a countless number of pills and received more injections than I care to recall during those 3 years. Each month I would remain hopeful. I was given good reports each time I went to the doctors office. Never was there an issue that said WOAH STOP! Nothing was ever found wrong. That is still the hardest part to me, I wish there had been a problem. Something to fix. 

Since I maxed out the number of treatments I could do with Kaiser we knew it meant that it was time to bring in the heavy artillery IVF. We have been discussing the morality issues regarding this treatment as well as saving up the money to pay for it. Over the last year we have been blessed beyond belief through friends and family. The donation of items and recyclables will never be forgotten. It has been difficult to remain hopeful during this time, but I do trust we are moving down the right path. 

I have learned a lot about myself and my marriage through infertility.

Strength

Courage

Unconditional Love

Partnership

Communication

Please keep us in prayer as we begin to meet with clinics, that we would find the best Dr. for us. That the clinic would be understanding and willing to work with us within the morality parameters we have discussed. Pray that we would qualify for a special program in which we can get a discount on the cost per treatment and a portion of our monies back if all of the treatments are unsuccessful. 

AMA?

I have taken matters into my own hands. I am guessing if I had asked an MD about this they would advise against it, so I didn't bother to ask. Through some internet searching -- you really can find everything -- I located a pharmacy outside the US who doesn't require a Drs prescription to get infertility drugs (pill form only, no injectibles). Let me say that if I had not already been through the process, had monitoring apts every 2 days for cycle after cycle I would NOT begin taking a drug off the internet. Because I know approx. how my body will react to each dosage I have purchased some of the aforementioned drugs. So that I do not have adverse effects from the drug that can be avoided (some side-effects are going to happen no matter what) I will only be ingesting the drugs every other month. 

The medication will just encourage egg development by telling my body to increase certain hormones. It will give us a small boost towards conception during the months it is being used. I do know things to watch out for so that if too many hormones are being produced I will of course go see my nurse from back in the day at Kaiser. She is a sweet lady and calls me just to check up on how things are going every now and then. She has been just as baffled about our delay in becoming parents as we were. 

I will not know specifically how things are going in a given month until I either come to the end/beginning of a cycle. We would appreciate your continued prayers that we will come to the end of this journey SOON! 

I am so appreciative of my friends who are praying for us, encouraging of us, hug giving, chin lifting, awesome people. Thank You from the depths of my being!

sometimes if you don't laugh you'll cry

Taken from another infertiles blog -- she generally illicits a laugh out of me.


#650 Did you hear the one about the Infertile and the Transvaginal Wand?


Infertility is no joke.
There is nothing funny about transvaginal wands; having a fertility doctor looking at your Hoo Haw at 7:00 in the morning or lying to your boss when you arrive late to work because you were having eggs surgically removed from your ovaries. It is no laughing matter when your husband has to provide a sperm sample in the fertility clinic porn room; when you injure your back after elevating your legs following baby-making sex; or when you are secretly envious of your pregnant dog. Mr. Giggles.

Infertility is no laughing matter….

….But infertility jokes are a riot! Enjoy some courtesy of the awesome women and men on my Facebook page!

“It’s getting to the point where anyone with a white coat will be allowed access to my uterus. Which makes for some really awkward trips to the deli and the make up counter.” -Melissa

“At 8:50 PM an infertile walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Can I get you a shot?” “Not for another 10 minutes, but I’ll take a margarita while I wait.” -Marci

“You know you are trying to get pregnant when: Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21.” -Melissa

“You know you have been TTC too long when you open the fridge door and immediately get angry at the eggs in the carton…. or jealous.” -Tiffany

“You know you are infertile when you ’stare’ at the belly of a pregnant lady from work and see her drink from the water cooler and quickly fill up on the water hoping ‘its in the water.’ -Mylee

“What’s black, blue and red all over? My arms, tummy, bottom and thigh. I am doing treatments again….” -Brynn


Taken from 999 reasons to laugh at infertility

Aching

Taken from : Kieko's Blog
Driving in to work this morning, I was listening to one of my favorite public radio stations. For weeks they've been promoting buying flowers for Mothers' Day to help support the radio station; a portion of the costs go directly to fundraising.

I'm not sure what it was this morning, but as I listened to my favorite local radio hosts hawk their fundraising flowers, I had to switch the station over to another. They went on and on about mothers and how children should honor the mothers in their lives. I don't disagree - I'm blessed to have two incredible mothers of my own- one by blood and one by marriage- and a sister who's shown me that she is one tough mama. I am grateful for each one of my aunts. And I cherish my dear friends who are mothers themselves. You all set a high standard for me to rise to one day.

But there was something about the radio hosts this morning that left me reflective and sad, as they played testimonials of folks who've bought flowers in the past for this fundraiser, singing the praises of the mothers in their lives who stayed up late with the kids and did so much. "Buy flowers for the stay-at-home moms to brighten their day," they said (as if somehow being a SAHM was otherwise dreary and draining and not the rich experience I know it to be for many moms).

As I changed the station, I thought to myself, "What about all the women who want nothing more to be moms? What about all the women who, for whatever reason, will never be able to be Hallmark's definition of a mom this Sunday?"

What about all the infertile, the childless not by choice?

What about us?

I hold out hope for myself that somehow, someway, I will parent with my husband. But I know there are so many out there who can't parent, despite many emotionally and financially draining attempts. That once again this year for Mothers' Day, it's just not in the cards. Last year, I wasn't as phased by Mothers' Day; I was more about exploring what Motherhood means to people. This year, well - this year is different. And there was something about driving in to work and listening to their endless pitch for flowers that just struck me differently - and deeply - this year.

Yesterday at Advocacy Day in DC (recap post Monday), Risa Levine, RESOLVE's National Advocacy Co-Chair, delivered the keynote address in the morning to all the attendees. She spoke beautifully at the conclusion of her speech about the "elephant in the room" - Mothers' Day this Sunday - and encouraged us to raise a glass for the work we set out to do that day and for all the Wannabe Moms. Because we've all held onto our dreams and fantasies of being a mom one day, and those dreams are just as important.
So, I'm asking the rest of the Hallmark-card-sending-world to remember us on Sunday.

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed. But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers the next morning. We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called. Stayed up late wondering "How on earth are we going to pay for this?"

We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket.

We may not have sold Girl Scout cookies with our daughters or run Boy Scout canned good drives with our sons, but we buy boxes of Thin Mints and hand over soup and beans to yours every time you ask us to.
We may never have experienced all those incredible moments that define and shape Motherhood...

...and we'd give anything to, just once.

Remember us on Sunday.

NIAW - Mythbusters

It is hard for me to believe that it has been 2 YEARS ago this month (April) since we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility and began treatments. I was in the IF closet for many years before that, I thought if I didn't label the problem it would just go away. Always hoping and praying that the next month would be THE month and that I didn't need to see a Dr. (hindsight). It has been almost a year since this blog was opened up to the public -- at the time it wasn't to bring awareness to IF but because I was so tired from fielding the questions of when are/ why don't we have children.

I am glad that I have found a community of women online who are a support for me through their blog posts. I am proud that so many of them are speaking out and want to be advocates for IF. So many women are still suffering silently because IF is so deeply personal -- I want to help bust some myths because chances are besides myself you know someone else who is suffering from IF and you don't even know it. Be sensitive to others -- you don't know what they are going through if you haven't been through it!

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Taken from RESOLVES website:
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

The Daily Dose

It feels good to be doing something proactive...

even if it means swallowing 6 pills on a daily basis.

While reading a(nother) book on infertility I was curious about some of the supplements, herbs and foods that are said to help fertility. I am starting to think I should give a "review" (my opinion) of each of the MANY infertility books that have moved into our house.

There was one section in specific talking about what a cycle should look like and broke down the if you had this then you probably needed to take this supplement sort of thing. Through reading this I decided that my cycle could probably benefit from some supplements and that it couldn't hurt anything. Also I am still trying to track down the elusive Goji berry...

Victory

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their "Win a Vasectomy" campaign. I still wish they had given a REAL formal apology for insulting what NIAW stands for and how much it hurt infertiles.

Keiko did a video blog about it.

The hits keep coming

While PETA has taken the "in honor of" from in front of NIAW they replaced it with the word "during" NIAW. This is a slap in the face to those of us who suffer from infertility. In more responses that I have read from PETA they are dismissive, and then go on for multiple paragraphs talking about the poor animals that need saving, and that the overpopulation is harming the planet -- 1) you are an "animal rights" group 2) telling an infertile to "just adopt" is not okay 3) it is still insensitive to have your contest be linked to NIAW!

Read Keiko's updated blog today

--even the adoption community agrees with our thoughts and actions--

A Response from PETA

I personally wrote PETA what I thought about their contest and have yet to hear a response back however my fellow infertile Keiko did get a response to hers. Please visit her blog to read PETAs "apology".

PETA however says that the world is overpopulated and that is why they are giving away a vascetomy, what a slap in an infertiles face! They don't care that we are hurt by this campaign because hey at least we aren't putting more strain on the world by creating life which puts more demands on our planet. ARRRRGGGHH! I am furious!

Here's what you can do! Email them, call them, blog about this, tweet about it, and please sign this lovely petition.

Lisa Goeke got this response from PETA:
Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge, but it isn’t helpful to act on all our urges, no matter how strong. The issue is not whether one is infertile but whether it is responsible to keep adding people to a planet whose resources are already being stretched. In America, most peo...ple eat well, have a roof over their heads, and buy gasoline, but in much of the rest of the world, people are starving, forests are disappearing, and water is running out, and it seems a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes. Since most of the e-mails we are receiving from people who’ve read about our contest on infertility blogs are quite uncivil, perhaps some soul searching needs to be done on the part of those who would rather throw stones than engage in discourse.

Here is what Resolve has to say about PETA

I am not saying PETA needs to stop their contest however, it'd be nice to have an actual apology from PETA. At the very least they need to take the "in honor of NIAW" off their contest. It's completely disrespectful to all of us suffering from infertility!

OUTRAGE!!!!

I just read that PETA is doing a promotion that a man can "Win a Vasectomy" campaign offering a free vasectomy to a man who has his pet spayed or neutered during the month of April!

PETA even says that this is in honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week)! SERIOUSLY?!?

Please read my fellow infertiles blog about what this contest is, and what you can do to show your support to me and everyone else who suffers from infertility. CLICK HERE!

Also another blog I follow posted what they wrote to PETA, you can read that HERE.

And as the others have asked if you are going to post about this in  your own blog or on Facebook please don't link to PETAs site directly -- just use the screen shot or link to one of my fellow bloggers posts. Thanks.

Acupuncturing Infertility

Many infertile *friends* have written of doing acupuncture while undergoing treatments (IUI, IVF, ICI) but I really never gave it much thought. I have read numerous books that scratch the surface of explaining what acupuncture can/can't do for you. Now I am researching it for myself...

So far there is no conclusive evidence for or against acupuncture. It has been said that acupuncture improve circulation of blood, might help follicle production, can improve the lining in the uterus. This is not a one time deal and I am not sure how I feel about 100s of tiny little needles in me.

Sources vary on the amount of time that acupuncture should be done -- most say 1 or 2 times a week -- and for 2 to 6 months before beginning your treatment and continuing till you are 12 weeks along in your pregnancy. Also once you are pregnant the acupuncturist should not use needles on certain points including Gallbladder 21, Stomach 12, Large Intestine 4, Spleen 6, Bladder 60, Bladder 67 and any points on the lower abdomen.

Depending on if your insurance covers any treatments it can cost between $50-100 per visit. In most states acupuncture is a licensed profession and should be board certified. Also if you are undergoing infertility treatments it is important to find an acupuncturist that specializes in dealing with women who have reproductive issues.

Acupuncture is something that we will consider because there doesn't seem to be a medical downside to it. Of course we will discuss this with our RE once we choose a facility to do our IVF at. It does bother me that we would be spending an additional $1600-4000 to have someone stick needles in me and know that there is no strong evidence that it indeed helps increase the odds of an IVF working.

Fellow IFer Blog

It has been awesome to find wonderful women who blog about their struggles to become parents because it helps me feel not so alone in this, although it still surprises me to be reading another blog and it is as if at times the words feel as if they have jumped out of my brain and on to the page. Its as if someone is reading my mind, the words I cannot find to put down into cohesive thought but someone else has. I may be the minority --- those who are reproductively challenged --- but it is some comfort to know I am not alone.


Words from another struggling to build a family:
"It's amazing that through everything we've been through, people still seem to be under the impression we're doing fine. It's not that we're putting up a good show, (because those that truly know me know better), but rather because most of them don't really want to know. Sure they'll ask, and I tell them exactly how things are... but they never seem to listen. Like, they listen to the words but refuse to accept the meaning. I can tell them and tell them that things aren't easy, that it'll be years before we become parents- if we become parents- and I'll tell them in great detail all the hurdles we'll have to cross, and yet their standard reply is, "Well, it will happen someday." Which is no support at all, and no help. Because there is no guarantee it will happen someday. The statement is used to pacify, to end the conversation, to say, "I don't know what to say, so I'm going to say nothing." And they never bring it up, never ask questions, never even to ask how we are... and then we can never bring it up again because they seem disengaged the entire time. And it's easy enough for someone to say that it'll happen when they aren't the ones putting themselves through hell time and time again, they aren't the ones coughing up every spare penny they have, it isn't their lives that have been altered forever. It's ours. All ours. Sometimes the weight of that is deafening."

Epic Sale of 2011

Almost immediately after we finished out 1st yard sale I was getting emails, texts and calls from friends who had more items they wanted to donate. I am not sure we ever thought we would be able to do this more than once. But once we saw that so many were willing to give us more there was no question, we would be having a 2nd sale it was just a matter of time.

Once again we were overwhelmed by the generous spirit of our friends and family. It was quite an incredible sight to see the garage go from having only 2 SMALL boxes left over from the previous sale to being packed. Then I was offered up some awesome furniture! Which meant moving everything that was in the garage into the house. Lucky for me there was a room that was easily transformed to be storage space. It was at this point we HAD to schedule another yard sale. Which is incredible. I figured eventually we would just decide it was time to do it again.

The February sale was going to be a bit different as Paul and I were on our own to get everything out of the house and garage. This time we set the sale to start at 7am figuring we would need that extra 30min to get as much as we could out front. We devised a plan to not open the garage right away and to just move everything out of the spare room and the living room. That way we hoped it wouldn't be quite as insane with people rummaging through things before we were ready.

HA! Joke was on us van after van paraded down the street with hoards of people jumping out. Everyone started grabbing any and every thing. Suddenly there were piles all over the yard and driveway, people claiming their territory. Then a few of the men started inquiring about the furniture we claimed we had, where was that? So I reluctantly opened the garage and then the insanity really began. The garage was so full that it wasn't really possible to walk inside so people started picking up items and pulling things out of the garage into the driveway so they could get inside! One guy bought almost all the big furniture and it was quite a sight to see him fill his van then start stacking everything else on top, and lucky Paul go to help him.

- This photo is from Sunday -
After all the furnature was bought and almost every kids item was sold...

Friends and family kept asking so how much do you think you will make this time. I replied that I did not want to get my hopes up, that last time may have been a one time deal. I was really hoping that even with all the furniture we would hit $500 and that I would consider that EXTREMELY successful. As I have said before the sale in September the most we had ever made was $100-200 and that was a good day. However we were blown away again. The final tally for our February sale was $1327! I truly feel as if this is God saying you are on a difficult journey but you will be blessed as you are on it. The success we have had gives me reassurance that we are doing the right thing.

Paul and I feel that Thank You just isn't enough to say to our family and friends who have been such an incredible support, but it is all we have. So THANK YOU! Without your help we would not be anywhere near the monetary amount that we need in order to pursue our dream. We love you all! Your prayers, love, support, and time are all appreciated immensely.

Can't Move Forward, Can't Go Back

...Five+ years of...

WANTING

WAITING

PRAYING

TRYING

WISHING

HOPING
LONGING

HURTING

On the fence...

There are so many times I am not sure how to express what is going on inside every single month. Many would think that because I am not "cycling" right now that my infertility is on the back burner. It doesn't mean we aren't trying, or stop talking about it. Infertility is never on the back burner it is always right there - every day (every hour, every minute).

I have been thinking a lot about getting pregnant before we get to an IVF cycle. Does that mean I am an impostor? Was I not really infertile? I am sure that many people would think that way. I am infertile. Even if I am not sure I could ever say that out loud. I am infertile. If I became pregnant without any assistance I would be over the moon. It would be a miracle (with God all things are possible). I would also probably react a bit in the same manner that Mrs. Laura Bush did. I may live in a world of disbelief. Because it has been so long, so difficult, so much disappointment. Could anything this good actually happen to us?

Another thought comes up... what about all of that money we have raised, all of the items donated by friends, all of the surprise monetary donations? I do not know what the end result would be, but until I was holding my baby in my arms I guarantee that I would continue the fundraising. I know heartache. I know that a positive test does not equal a baby in 9 1/2 months. I know that just because you hear the heartbeat, or find out if it is a boy or girl does not mean you will hold that precious bundle of joy in your arms, they will always be held in your heart though.

31, 32, 33 ......... 44, 45, 46 ........ 57, 58, 59 .......
stretching, cramping, fatigue, missing my period

google is not your friend
writing random symptoms, looking up how many days pregnant (possibly) you are, trying to figure out what your due date might be, flirting with the thoughts of possible names.

dangerous game
heart break could be around the corner

Mrs. Bush is one of us!

I am now going to procure a copy of LB's book. There are supposed to be several interesting threads about infertility. Her mom suffered from recurrent miscarriages and early loss of infants. Laura was the only child that survived. Laura and George Bush tried to get pregnant for a long time before the twins were conceived. They were pursuing adoption with an orphanage in Texas, when LB started doing “hormone treatments” When Laura did finally get pregnant, she was so afraid of losing the babies that she did nothing to prepare. She was on bedrest in the hospital for a long time at the end of the pregnancy, and friends set up the nursery for her while she was in the hospital. LB had concerns she might have a miscarriage, doctors did a procedure where they stitched her cervix closed.

I came across this passage from Laura Bush’s new autobiography, Spoken from the Heart. It is powerfully written, an amazing reflection of the thoughts and feelings that someone struggling through infertility goes through. Mrs. Bush is spot on when she says most of us are wordless when it comes to trying to convey these thoughts and feelings to others.



For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

 The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

Nail on the Head!

#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend

You (hopefully) have many supportive friends that you can lean on during your infertility journey. They may not always understand what you’re going through but they are always around to listen. And then there are your other friends…

Well-meaning as they are, some friends are more supportive than others. Sometimes their advice really doesn’t seem to help…
•You have the “Have-you-ever-thought-about-adopting?” friend. Great idea! Adopting a child seems like an easy and fun thing to do! I’ll just ask Brad and Angelina to help me out.
•The “I-guess-your-uterus-and-parts-are-really-damaged” friend. Thanks for your sensitive comment. Me and my damaged lady parts enjoyed it!
•The “Why-don’t-you-just-go-on-vacation-and-you’ll-come-back-pregnant-too” friend. Funny. We’re been on vacation and came back infertile each time. Should I go to a specific destination next time?
•The “I-heard-raspberry-leaf-tea-was-good” friend. I drank it for several months. It was gross and I’m still infertile.
•The “My-friend-got-pregnant-doing-IVF. Why-don’t-you-call-her-doctor” friend. Sure, I’d love to wait another six months to see a new doctor. Can you lend me $10,000 for IVF?
•The “I-have-a-friend-who-adopted-and-then-got-pregnant” friend. Great! I’ll just follow that helpful piece of advice.
•The “It-will-happen-just-give-it-time” friend. We’ll, I’m reaching menopause and we’ve been trying for 10 years but I’ll just wait it out, like you suggested.

Thanks a lot for your advice.
The message is if you want to support someone going through infertility, just listen and don’t give anymore advice.

13 Responses to “#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend”

CaturdayNurse says:
2010/11/29 at 3:21 pm
These are right on the money. When I complain about it to my mom, she tells me, “Well, people are uncomfortable so they just want to try to help by offering advice.” How is it my problem that my horrible situation makes Buffy a little squeamish? Go take a flying leap! I’ll remember to tell them,”Oh, it’ll get better soon- just give it time,” when they annouce their cancer diagnoses. After all, platitudes must be better than a gentle pat on the back, otherwise they wouldn’t always be escaping someone’s lips. Empathy, people, not spewage of hurtfulness!

cw sys:
2010/11/29 at 3:23 pm
ugh the my friend got pregnant doing ivf – call her doctor one really upsets me. i like my doctor. it has been one fresh cycle. lay off. i don’t want to see another doctor if I did I would let you know. and the give it time. easy for them to say when they fall pregnant on the first go. it has been two years. i-have-given-it-time!!!! on an aside the RLT hasn’t necessary worked for me but it has improved my cycle so there is one plus!

Jenn says:
2010/11/29 at 5:04 pm
I love your blog, it’s nice to read something I can relate to. I have a friend who is always pushing her dr on me, no thanks I like my dr. Then my aunt told me it will happen if I believe. Didn’t know that’s all it took.

cherbear says:
2010/11/30 at 6:53 am
the worst thing is “maybe its just not the right time”. Um okay yeah just WHEN is the right time?? And since I have to do IVF, someone please tell me when the right time is so we can plan our cycle at that time, thanks.

sassyNtubeless says:
2010/11/30 at 8:29 am
ha ha thanks for this post! it really helps, esp after when the holidays are coming up!! my favorite is go on vacation and you’ll come back pregnant! HAHA
will this vacation include my RE doctor accompanying us??

Emily says:
2010/11/30 at 9:23 am
I love this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets “those” comments and unwarranted advice from friends and family. The Dr. one really gets me–as though one Dr. is better than another or more of a miracle worker than the one I’ve been funneling my paycheck to? And to think that I have just been re-trying with the SAME Dr. instead of a new, better Dr.? Ugh. Sorry.

libby @ ninesandquines says:
2010/11/30 at 9:24 am
HA!! my standard answer to the “why don’t you just adopt” has been well thought out and honed over the years…it now is “that’s a GREAT idea – can you “just” GIVE me the $30,000 to pay off the loans we took out for our infertility treatments and then another, oh, $50,000 to complete the adoption?” gets them to shut the hell up right there….love the word “just” like it’s the easiest thing in the world….GAH!

Maren says:
2010/11/30 at 10:29 am
My personal favorite was my MIL telling me it’ll happen on God’s timing. Well hate to break it to ya lady but I highly doubt God can do his part if I just sit around and wait cuz her son, my hubs, has ZERO sperm, I don’t ovulate and have endometriosis and last I checked when you pursue adoption you actually have to be proactive with it. She did have a suggestion for us, she said I could use her husbands sperm if we wanted to do donor. Uhm EW and HELL NO. Way too awkward for me. Sorry. I rambled. Hah.

Samantha says:
2010/11/30 at 11:15 am
Don’t forget the “I know it’s really rough right now but it will all be worth it in the end” friend…what the heck to they know about rough they popped out 6 kids before they were 25, give me a break!

Dani girl says:
2010/11/30 at 12:38 pm
I always love the “I know what you’re going through” friend because it took them all of 6 months to get pregnant, because those 6 months were so hard! When would they ever understand getting your period, but just because its slightly lighter than the month before this time, you wonder if you could actually be pregnant and you’re one of those women who thinks they’re having a period! Or is that just me that does that?! (I hope not!)

Francie says:
2010/11/30 at 2:39 pm
The thing that makes me crazy: “why are you doing infertility treatment when there are SO many children in this country waiting for adoption?” Yeah, because of my medical condition I have to be a martyr and adopt a kid in foster care? Do you tell fertile people not to have another kid but rather adopt a child?

Toni says:
2010/11/30 at 6:05 pm
I love my sister and she’s been incredibly supportive but the other day after explaining to her that I had to go into the doctor four days in a row because I’m on an injectable cycle, she said “Wow I really didn’t understand how involved this was all going to be. Are you guys sure adoption is off the table?” Luckily we’re close enough that I could explain everything wrong with that statement.

Mahseeyah says:
2010/11/30 at 11:12 pm
I love ‘Oh cheer up love, it’s not that bad’ right after a failed cycle. Yeah sure I’ll cheer up, I’ll just flick that switch in my brain to cheerful and that will help me get pregnant!!! Dumbass. I would like to tell them to shut the F up and get out of my face.

Waiting for our cake...

Over the past several years, I have been confronted with many comments concerning my infertility journey. In my neck of the woods, not a whole lot of people can really understand the magnitude of the emotional luggage that comes with it. A lot of the comments have been something along the lines of....

"I wish I could understand your pain."
OR
"I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be able to have children."

In response, I usually smile and say....
"Imagine that you have never tasted chocolate cake before. Others that have tell you time and time again how wonderful it is. Then the day comes where the chocolate cake is sitting right there in front of you. It does look amazing. You want it more than anything. You want to experience the joy of it yourself. It's right there in front of you, but no matter what, you just can't have it. You are told you must wait. Now take that feeling, multiply it by 100 and you may come close to how infertility feels!"

After that, they usually nod in acceptance. After all, who can't relate to CHOCOLATE CAKE?!?
When I am emotionally vulnerable, I write. Shortly after I lost Conner, I had so many emotions that I didn't even know where to begin to sort through them. Talk about never writing so much in all of my life! This little ditty is a small reflection of that time. It's still raw and it's not perfect. It does reflect my journey thus far however. It also expands a little bit more on what I talked about above. I'll warn you though- it is long winded!!!

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know.

You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on it's way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon. You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake." You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes.

He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better.

Feb - 2003
By Christine Dallimore