The hits keep coming

While PETA has taken the "in honor of" from in front of NIAW they replaced it with the word "during" NIAW. This is a slap in the face to those of us who suffer from infertility. In more responses that I have read from PETA they are dismissive, and then go on for multiple paragraphs talking about the poor animals that need saving, and that the overpopulation is harming the planet -- 1) you are an "animal rights" group 2) telling an infertile to "just adopt" is not okay 3) it is still insensitive to have your contest be linked to NIAW!

Read Keiko's updated blog today

--even the adoption community agrees with our thoughts and actions--

A Response from PETA

I personally wrote PETA what I thought about their contest and have yet to hear a response back however my fellow infertile Keiko did get a response to hers. Please visit her blog to read PETAs "apology".

PETA however says that the world is overpopulated and that is why they are giving away a vascetomy, what a slap in an infertiles face! They don't care that we are hurt by this campaign because hey at least we aren't putting more strain on the world by creating life which puts more demands on our planet. ARRRRGGGHH! I am furious!

Here's what you can do! Email them, call them, blog about this, tweet about it, and please sign this lovely petition.

Lisa Goeke got this response from PETA:
Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge, but it isn’t helpful to act on all our urges, no matter how strong. The issue is not whether one is infertile but whether it is responsible to keep adding people to a planet whose resources are already being stretched. In America, most peo...ple eat well, have a roof over their heads, and buy gasoline, but in much of the rest of the world, people are starving, forests are disappearing, and water is running out, and it seems a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes. Since most of the e-mails we are receiving from people who’ve read about our contest on infertility blogs are quite uncivil, perhaps some soul searching needs to be done on the part of those who would rather throw stones than engage in discourse.

Here is what Resolve has to say about PETA

I am not saying PETA needs to stop their contest however, it'd be nice to have an actual apology from PETA. At the very least they need to take the "in honor of NIAW" off their contest. It's completely disrespectful to all of us suffering from infertility!

OUTRAGE!!!!

I just read that PETA is doing a promotion that a man can "Win a Vasectomy" campaign offering a free vasectomy to a man who has his pet spayed or neutered during the month of April!

PETA even says that this is in honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week)! SERIOUSLY?!?

Please read my fellow infertiles blog about what this contest is, and what you can do to show your support to me and everyone else who suffers from infertility. CLICK HERE!

Also another blog I follow posted what they wrote to PETA, you can read that HERE.

And as the others have asked if you are going to post about this in  your own blog or on Facebook please don't link to PETAs site directly -- just use the screen shot or link to one of my fellow bloggers posts. Thanks.

Acupuncturing Infertility

Many infertile *friends* have written of doing acupuncture while undergoing treatments (IUI, IVF, ICI) but I really never gave it much thought. I have read numerous books that scratch the surface of explaining what acupuncture can/can't do for you. Now I am researching it for myself...

So far there is no conclusive evidence for or against acupuncture. It has been said that acupuncture improve circulation of blood, might help follicle production, can improve the lining in the uterus. This is not a one time deal and I am not sure how I feel about 100s of tiny little needles in me.

Sources vary on the amount of time that acupuncture should be done -- most say 1 or 2 times a week -- and for 2 to 6 months before beginning your treatment and continuing till you are 12 weeks along in your pregnancy. Also once you are pregnant the acupuncturist should not use needles on certain points including Gallbladder 21, Stomach 12, Large Intestine 4, Spleen 6, Bladder 60, Bladder 67 and any points on the lower abdomen.

Depending on if your insurance covers any treatments it can cost between $50-100 per visit. In most states acupuncture is a licensed profession and should be board certified. Also if you are undergoing infertility treatments it is important to find an acupuncturist that specializes in dealing with women who have reproductive issues.

Acupuncture is something that we will consider because there doesn't seem to be a medical downside to it. Of course we will discuss this with our RE once we choose a facility to do our IVF at. It does bother me that we would be spending an additional $1600-4000 to have someone stick needles in me and know that there is no strong evidence that it indeed helps increase the odds of an IVF working.

Fellow IFer Blog

It has been awesome to find wonderful women who blog about their struggles to become parents because it helps me feel not so alone in this, although it still surprises me to be reading another blog and it is as if at times the words feel as if they have jumped out of my brain and on to the page. Its as if someone is reading my mind, the words I cannot find to put down into cohesive thought but someone else has. I may be the minority --- those who are reproductively challenged --- but it is some comfort to know I am not alone.


Words from another struggling to build a family:
"It's amazing that through everything we've been through, people still seem to be under the impression we're doing fine. It's not that we're putting up a good show, (because those that truly know me know better), but rather because most of them don't really want to know. Sure they'll ask, and I tell them exactly how things are... but they never seem to listen. Like, they listen to the words but refuse to accept the meaning. I can tell them and tell them that things aren't easy, that it'll be years before we become parents- if we become parents- and I'll tell them in great detail all the hurdles we'll have to cross, and yet their standard reply is, "Well, it will happen someday." Which is no support at all, and no help. Because there is no guarantee it will happen someday. The statement is used to pacify, to end the conversation, to say, "I don't know what to say, so I'm going to say nothing." And they never bring it up, never ask questions, never even to ask how we are... and then we can never bring it up again because they seem disengaged the entire time. And it's easy enough for someone to say that it'll happen when they aren't the ones putting themselves through hell time and time again, they aren't the ones coughing up every spare penny they have, it isn't their lives that have been altered forever. It's ours. All ours. Sometimes the weight of that is deafening."

Epic Sale of 2011

Almost immediately after we finished out 1st yard sale I was getting emails, texts and calls from friends who had more items they wanted to donate. I am not sure we ever thought we would be able to do this more than once. But once we saw that so many were willing to give us more there was no question, we would be having a 2nd sale it was just a matter of time.

Once again we were overwhelmed by the generous spirit of our friends and family. It was quite an incredible sight to see the garage go from having only 2 SMALL boxes left over from the previous sale to being packed. Then I was offered up some awesome furniture! Which meant moving everything that was in the garage into the house. Lucky for me there was a room that was easily transformed to be storage space. It was at this point we HAD to schedule another yard sale. Which is incredible. I figured eventually we would just decide it was time to do it again.

The February sale was going to be a bit different as Paul and I were on our own to get everything out of the house and garage. This time we set the sale to start at 7am figuring we would need that extra 30min to get as much as we could out front. We devised a plan to not open the garage right away and to just move everything out of the spare room and the living room. That way we hoped it wouldn't be quite as insane with people rummaging through things before we were ready.

HA! Joke was on us van after van paraded down the street with hoards of people jumping out. Everyone started grabbing any and every thing. Suddenly there were piles all over the yard and driveway, people claiming their territory. Then a few of the men started inquiring about the furniture we claimed we had, where was that? So I reluctantly opened the garage and then the insanity really began. The garage was so full that it wasn't really possible to walk inside so people started picking up items and pulling things out of the garage into the driveway so they could get inside! One guy bought almost all the big furniture and it was quite a sight to see him fill his van then start stacking everything else on top, and lucky Paul go to help him.

- This photo is from Sunday -
After all the furnature was bought and almost every kids item was sold...

Friends and family kept asking so how much do you think you will make this time. I replied that I did not want to get my hopes up, that last time may have been a one time deal. I was really hoping that even with all the furniture we would hit $500 and that I would consider that EXTREMELY successful. As I have said before the sale in September the most we had ever made was $100-200 and that was a good day. However we were blown away again. The final tally for our February sale was $1327! I truly feel as if this is God saying you are on a difficult journey but you will be blessed as you are on it. The success we have had gives me reassurance that we are doing the right thing.

Paul and I feel that Thank You just isn't enough to say to our family and friends who have been such an incredible support, but it is all we have. So THANK YOU! Without your help we would not be anywhere near the monetary amount that we need in order to pursue our dream. We love you all! Your prayers, love, support, and time are all appreciated immensely.

Can't Move Forward, Can't Go Back

...Five+ years of...

WANTING

WAITING

PRAYING

TRYING

WISHING

HOPING
LONGING

HURTING

On the fence...

There are so many times I am not sure how to express what is going on inside every single month. Many would think that because I am not "cycling" right now that my infertility is on the back burner. It doesn't mean we aren't trying, or stop talking about it. Infertility is never on the back burner it is always right there - every day (every hour, every minute).

I have been thinking a lot about getting pregnant before we get to an IVF cycle. Does that mean I am an impostor? Was I not really infertile? I am sure that many people would think that way. I am infertile. Even if I am not sure I could ever say that out loud. I am infertile. If I became pregnant without any assistance I would be over the moon. It would be a miracle (with God all things are possible). I would also probably react a bit in the same manner that Mrs. Laura Bush did. I may live in a world of disbelief. Because it has been so long, so difficult, so much disappointment. Could anything this good actually happen to us?

Another thought comes up... what about all of that money we have raised, all of the items donated by friends, all of the surprise monetary donations? I do not know what the end result would be, but until I was holding my baby in my arms I guarantee that I would continue the fundraising. I know heartache. I know that a positive test does not equal a baby in 9 1/2 months. I know that just because you hear the heartbeat, or find out if it is a boy or girl does not mean you will hold that precious bundle of joy in your arms, they will always be held in your heart though.

31, 32, 33 ......... 44, 45, 46 ........ 57, 58, 59 .......
stretching, cramping, fatigue, missing my period

google is not your friend
writing random symptoms, looking up how many days pregnant (possibly) you are, trying to figure out what your due date might be, flirting with the thoughts of possible names.

dangerous game
heart break could be around the corner

Mrs. Bush is one of us!

I am now going to procure a copy of LB's book. There are supposed to be several interesting threads about infertility. Her mom suffered from recurrent miscarriages and early loss of infants. Laura was the only child that survived. Laura and George Bush tried to get pregnant for a long time before the twins were conceived. They were pursuing adoption with an orphanage in Texas, when LB started doing “hormone treatments” When Laura did finally get pregnant, she was so afraid of losing the babies that she did nothing to prepare. She was on bedrest in the hospital for a long time at the end of the pregnancy, and friends set up the nursery for her while she was in the hospital. LB had concerns she might have a miscarriage, doctors did a procedure where they stitched her cervix closed.

I came across this passage from Laura Bush’s new autobiography, Spoken from the Heart. It is powerfully written, an amazing reflection of the thoughts and feelings that someone struggling through infertility goes through. Mrs. Bush is spot on when she says most of us are wordless when it comes to trying to convey these thoughts and feelings to others.



For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

 The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

Nail on the Head!

#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend

You (hopefully) have many supportive friends that you can lean on during your infertility journey. They may not always understand what you’re going through but they are always around to listen. And then there are your other friends…

Well-meaning as they are, some friends are more supportive than others. Sometimes their advice really doesn’t seem to help…
•You have the “Have-you-ever-thought-about-adopting?” friend. Great idea! Adopting a child seems like an easy and fun thing to do! I’ll just ask Brad and Angelina to help me out.
•The “I-guess-your-uterus-and-parts-are-really-damaged” friend. Thanks for your sensitive comment. Me and my damaged lady parts enjoyed it!
•The “Why-don’t-you-just-go-on-vacation-and-you’ll-come-back-pregnant-too” friend. Funny. We’re been on vacation and came back infertile each time. Should I go to a specific destination next time?
•The “I-heard-raspberry-leaf-tea-was-good” friend. I drank it for several months. It was gross and I’m still infertile.
•The “My-friend-got-pregnant-doing-IVF. Why-don’t-you-call-her-doctor” friend. Sure, I’d love to wait another six months to see a new doctor. Can you lend me $10,000 for IVF?
•The “I-have-a-friend-who-adopted-and-then-got-pregnant” friend. Great! I’ll just follow that helpful piece of advice.
•The “It-will-happen-just-give-it-time” friend. We’ll, I’m reaching menopause and we’ve been trying for 10 years but I’ll just wait it out, like you suggested.

Thanks a lot for your advice.
The message is if you want to support someone going through infertility, just listen and don’t give anymore advice.

13 Responses to “#698 The “Why-Don’t-You-Just-Adopt” Friend”

CaturdayNurse says:
2010/11/29 at 3:21 pm
These are right on the money. When I complain about it to my mom, she tells me, “Well, people are uncomfortable so they just want to try to help by offering advice.” How is it my problem that my horrible situation makes Buffy a little squeamish? Go take a flying leap! I’ll remember to tell them,”Oh, it’ll get better soon- just give it time,” when they annouce their cancer diagnoses. After all, platitudes must be better than a gentle pat on the back, otherwise they wouldn’t always be escaping someone’s lips. Empathy, people, not spewage of hurtfulness!

cw sys:
2010/11/29 at 3:23 pm
ugh the my friend got pregnant doing ivf – call her doctor one really upsets me. i like my doctor. it has been one fresh cycle. lay off. i don’t want to see another doctor if I did I would let you know. and the give it time. easy for them to say when they fall pregnant on the first go. it has been two years. i-have-given-it-time!!!! on an aside the RLT hasn’t necessary worked for me but it has improved my cycle so there is one plus!

Jenn says:
2010/11/29 at 5:04 pm
I love your blog, it’s nice to read something I can relate to. I have a friend who is always pushing her dr on me, no thanks I like my dr. Then my aunt told me it will happen if I believe. Didn’t know that’s all it took.

cherbear says:
2010/11/30 at 6:53 am
the worst thing is “maybe its just not the right time”. Um okay yeah just WHEN is the right time?? And since I have to do IVF, someone please tell me when the right time is so we can plan our cycle at that time, thanks.

sassyNtubeless says:
2010/11/30 at 8:29 am
ha ha thanks for this post! it really helps, esp after when the holidays are coming up!! my favorite is go on vacation and you’ll come back pregnant! HAHA
will this vacation include my RE doctor accompanying us??

Emily says:
2010/11/30 at 9:23 am
I love this! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets “those” comments and unwarranted advice from friends and family. The Dr. one really gets me–as though one Dr. is better than another or more of a miracle worker than the one I’ve been funneling my paycheck to? And to think that I have just been re-trying with the SAME Dr. instead of a new, better Dr.? Ugh. Sorry.

libby @ ninesandquines says:
2010/11/30 at 9:24 am
HA!! my standard answer to the “why don’t you just adopt” has been well thought out and honed over the years…it now is “that’s a GREAT idea – can you “just” GIVE me the $30,000 to pay off the loans we took out for our infertility treatments and then another, oh, $50,000 to complete the adoption?” gets them to shut the hell up right there….love the word “just” like it’s the easiest thing in the world….GAH!

Maren says:
2010/11/30 at 10:29 am
My personal favorite was my MIL telling me it’ll happen on God’s timing. Well hate to break it to ya lady but I highly doubt God can do his part if I just sit around and wait cuz her son, my hubs, has ZERO sperm, I don’t ovulate and have endometriosis and last I checked when you pursue adoption you actually have to be proactive with it. She did have a suggestion for us, she said I could use her husbands sperm if we wanted to do donor. Uhm EW and HELL NO. Way too awkward for me. Sorry. I rambled. Hah.

Samantha says:
2010/11/30 at 11:15 am
Don’t forget the “I know it’s really rough right now but it will all be worth it in the end” friend…what the heck to they know about rough they popped out 6 kids before they were 25, give me a break!

Dani girl says:
2010/11/30 at 12:38 pm
I always love the “I know what you’re going through” friend because it took them all of 6 months to get pregnant, because those 6 months were so hard! When would they ever understand getting your period, but just because its slightly lighter than the month before this time, you wonder if you could actually be pregnant and you’re one of those women who thinks they’re having a period! Or is that just me that does that?! (I hope not!)

Francie says:
2010/11/30 at 2:39 pm
The thing that makes me crazy: “why are you doing infertility treatment when there are SO many children in this country waiting for adoption?” Yeah, because of my medical condition I have to be a martyr and adopt a kid in foster care? Do you tell fertile people not to have another kid but rather adopt a child?

Toni says:
2010/11/30 at 6:05 pm
I love my sister and she’s been incredibly supportive but the other day after explaining to her that I had to go into the doctor four days in a row because I’m on an injectable cycle, she said “Wow I really didn’t understand how involved this was all going to be. Are you guys sure adoption is off the table?” Luckily we’re close enough that I could explain everything wrong with that statement.

Mahseeyah says:
2010/11/30 at 11:12 pm
I love ‘Oh cheer up love, it’s not that bad’ right after a failed cycle. Yeah sure I’ll cheer up, I’ll just flick that switch in my brain to cheerful and that will help me get pregnant!!! Dumbass. I would like to tell them to shut the F up and get out of my face.

Waiting for our cake...

Over the past several years, I have been confronted with many comments concerning my infertility journey. In my neck of the woods, not a whole lot of people can really understand the magnitude of the emotional luggage that comes with it. A lot of the comments have been something along the lines of....

"I wish I could understand your pain."
OR
"I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be able to have children."

In response, I usually smile and say....
"Imagine that you have never tasted chocolate cake before. Others that have tell you time and time again how wonderful it is. Then the day comes where the chocolate cake is sitting right there in front of you. It does look amazing. You want it more than anything. You want to experience the joy of it yourself. It's right there in front of you, but no matter what, you just can't have it. You are told you must wait. Now take that feeling, multiply it by 100 and you may come close to how infertility feels!"

After that, they usually nod in acceptance. After all, who can't relate to CHOCOLATE CAKE?!?
When I am emotionally vulnerable, I write. Shortly after I lost Conner, I had so many emotions that I didn't even know where to begin to sort through them. Talk about never writing so much in all of my life! This little ditty is a small reflection of that time. It's still raw and it's not perfect. It does reflect my journey thus far however. It also expands a little bit more on what I talked about above. I'll warn you though- it is long winded!!!

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know.

You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on it's way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon. You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake." You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes.

He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better.

Feb - 2003
By Christine Dallimore

Huge Yard Sale

Over the past few months many of our dear friends have been donating items so that the Mr. and I could hold a large yard sale to raise money for IVF. We were overwhelmed by the kindness of our friends we were given more than we could have dreamed of. Items piled up fast and our 2nd bedroom was filled to the brim, items were then taken to SD by the truck load (about 7-8). Everything was photographed and put online so that other friends could get a shot and buying the best of the best items.

The big event was this past weekend. The ad in the newspaper and online said Sat/Sun from 630am till noon. So the Mr, Amy and I woke at 445am to prepare. The garage opened at 515am and within 10 minutes vans were pulling up and men with flashlights were ripping through the bags. For the next 8 hours there was never a moment where we didn't have a customer. Amazing! Every sale we have ever had making $100-200 is a good sale. This weekend however was a VERY different story. When all was said and done over $1400 was taken in. We were blown away.

Thank you everyone who prayed, donated (time or items), and bought items for our sale. You are all amazing and I am grateful.

Blog from fellow IFer

The Infertile Positive –> Two week wait. Check toilet paper obsessively. Google all pregnancy symptoms. Get all fake pregnancy symptoms. Pee on multiple pregnancy sticks (or avoid them altogether). Take basal temperature, daily. Glare at pregnant bellies. Curse any celebrity that announces a pregnancy. Blood test. Positive? Disbelief. Wait for second beta. Hold breath. Feel nervous. Fearful. Tell no one. Continue to hold breath.



The Fertile Positive–> Pee on stick. Positive. Tell everyone including the grocery store cashier. Celebrate.

Your infertile positive will come. Just keep believing.

It's a ::snap::

Tonight I was part of a conversation that included a guy explaining exactly what months his wife will get pregnant during, once they decide to have kids. How they didn't want to have a baby during the summer or during the Christmas holiday. They are green in the ways of the world that is infertility. I am happy that they are, I just pray that it is just that easy for them. And why wouldn't they think that way, I use to. I wish I could have that level of naivety now... that it would be so simple as to select the month and then pregnancy would occur and 9 months later a baby would be in our arms. This is something that infertility has taken from me, I am jaded. Even if I get pregnant I will not have that happy, giddy, ontopoftheworld feeling. I know heartbreak.

I would

Way to Parent

(June 26) -- A Florida mother is being investigated after she posted a photo on Facebook showing her infant son apparently smoking a bong.


The photo shows the 11-month-old baby in a diaper, sitting on a carpet with his face leaning over the glass smoking pipe.

The baby's 19-year-old mother claims the pipe didn't have tobacco or drugs in it at the time, and that the boy didn't inhale any smoke. She says she posted the photo online as a joke to show one of her friends.

This disturbing photograph showing a baby apparently smoking a bong has sparked a fury. The 11-month-old boy's teenage mother from Florida snapped the photo to show a friend and posted it online.

The picture was widely distributed around the Internet, and eventually landed on the desks of Florida child protection officers, who didn't think it was so funny. The state Department of Children and Families has launched an investigation into the woman's parenting skills, and says she could face charges if it's revealed that the child was exposed to drugs.
"We are alarmed that any parent would take pictures of their child next to what is obviously drug paraphernalia," department spokesman John Harrell said in comments carried by several news outlets.
The Florida TV station WJXT used Facebook messaging to contact the woman, who lives in Keystone Heights, northwest of Gainsville, and questioned her about the photo.
"If u look at the picture u can see that there is no bowl in the TABACCO pipe," she responded, with grammatical and spelling errors. "And i took a pic to show one (expletive) person and it was a mistake. I would never ever ever let him get high."
The mother is undergoing drug tests as part of the investigation, and her son is being examined by state doctors, she said. In her interview with the TV station, the unnamed woman accused the media of getting her into trouble.
"Do you realise how serious this is? i can go to jail and he can be taken away from me. WHY would you do something so (expletive) stupid?" she asked. "i know what i did was stupid but i would NEVER put by baby in harm. im so nice to everyone idk (I don't know) why you would do this to me."
 
I say she got what she deserved...
 

What's Next?

The Mr. and I are now in a find money any way we can mode. We are collecting cans, bottles, newspaper, and cardboard to recycle. We are going through our possessions, asking others for donations of items they no longer want or need and then trying to sell them to make some cash. We are saving any money we get for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.

Even with all of this work and effort it will take a long time to get to our goal but every dollar is a step towards that goal. It is sometimes hard to think that after all of this an IVF treatment can still end in a BFN. I pray we are one of the lucky ones, those couples who go through one IVF and get the child they have been dreaming of.

When will it get easier?

Writing this post is difficult. I hope that no one is hurt or offended because that is not what I want. I just really need to work through my emotions.

 A baby is a blessing. But these feelings just keep bubbling up. It feels like I am having panic attacks.

Everyday I feel bombarded with "I'm pregnant" announcements, sonogram photos, baby bump photos... and it makes my heart sink. I should just be able to suck it up and be able to congratulate everyone. I should be able to walk past the baby section with out feeling like the breath has been knocked out of me. I should be able to go to baby showers without wanting to lock myself in the bathroom till its over. I should be able to hold a new baby, instead I am terrified someone will hand one to me.

I LOVE my friends!
I LOVE that the large majority of my friends are able to have children with little to no trouble!

BUT

I HATE that I cannot be in the same boat as them. It hurts.

Hurting

A fellow IFer said it well, "I've been more focused on staying strong and surviving work and not making other people feel uncomfortable with my sadness that I'm giving myself no space time or energy to just be sad. And I really need to, or I'm just never going to be able to heal."

Especially in the quiet places

A man on one of those forensic, murder mystery shows I am always watching said something that stuck with me. Let me paraphrase what he said, "I can go about my day. I can go to work. I can laugh. I can have fun. But the whisper of my child's murder is always there, and in the quiet moments of my life it is all I hear."


My whisper is infertility.