Resistance is Futile

I am weak. I gave in the day before my beta. I did it. POAS. While Paul was still in bed I quietly got up and went to the restroom. It was premeditated, I did not have any tests at home. I drove to a store with the intent to buy a pregnancy test the day before. I executed the purchase of said test, I took it home and shoved it in the bottom of a drawer. I tried to wait until the beta, but I couldn't. This is one of those things that I didn't want IVF to take from me. I wanted to be the one to POAS and tell Paul the news either way. So that we could celebrate together or grieve together. I didn't want a phone call while I was at work that could knock the breath out of me or be fantastic news that I would immediately want to share with Paul who would also be at work.

So I took the test. 

I sat. 

I stared. 

I waited.

And waited. 

And waited. 

And then when the result popped up I kept staring and waiting. I kept waiting for the NOT to show up. I was in shock. You know like back in the day when kids would say stuff like "You are the coolest.... NOT" how they waited a beat to knock you down to size. That is what I was waiting for. The punchline. It never came. The word PREGNANT just stared back at me. My heart was racing and the rush of adrenaline was crazy. I didn't just want to go running out into the bedroom like a crazy person waving a pee stick so I quietly got dressed and went to pick us up some coffee. Paul was awake in our room when I got back. So I handed him the cup and waited for his reaction. Then I thrust the pee stick towards him as further proof since of course it was possible, and maybe he was thinking she must be hopeful about the beta test. I practically shouted WE ARE PREGNANT at him. We hugged, we kissed, I shed a few tears (happy happy tears). 

For IVF patients we all know that it is best to wait for a beta test to confirm a pregnancy. If your beta number is too low it can spell trouble. If your beta number isn't doubling every 48-72 hours there could be a problem. So of course as happy as we were in that moment I knew that we still needed to see what those numbers were over the next week. If they are high and doubling that is a great thing.