Labeled

I have come to realize over the years that I process things through writing, that however does not mean that I am a good writer, it just means that I can't just think about it I need to see it. So bear with me as I do that...

There are some things that seem contradictory but are true at the same time. I feel like I have some strange form of PTSD mixed with survivors guilt. Ever since we announced that we were pregnant with Nate a different type of struggle emerged, one in which I wanted to declare, to physically wear a label, to shout it from the roof top --- even though I am pregnant I AM STILL INFERTILE, we worked REALLY hard to get here! Being pregnant and having my son does not erase all of the immense pain - mind body and soul, the retching heartache. You do not forget it, it stays with you. I have at times felt like a traitor as I was successful on my 1st IVF attempt as others have endured so many but everyone's story is different and we endured years of trying and failing - 6 IUIs, injections, pills, tests, procedures and the list goes on. IVF and the path it took to get there and since is not fuzzy in my mind. I remember it all. 

So now as we have come through a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy and look toward an attempt at IVF #2 - my mind is muddled with thoughts. We are so thankful to have our son, is it wrong to want another? This wouldn't even be a question if we did not have to become pregnant medically. I doubt that folks who get pregnant the "old fashioned way" have thoughts as to their motives for wanting another. 

I often read a quote or an article and think, "how did they get inside my head". I had one of those moments this morning as I read this article on 10 things I wish I could tell my past self about infertility. If you have a moment -- it is a short read and also an important one. And I would just like to say that over the past almost decade now I have grown into the person #9 talks about ... any time, any place my friends I am here, you can tell me or ask me anything, always!

ONE

I am not sure how it came to be that our miracle is about to turn ONE. He is an amazing bundle of joy: he is adventurous, he is curious, he is a climber, he loves water, he is full of laughter and has mischief in his eyes. We love him beyond measure.

That being said this is not how we pictured our family in the beginning. We talked of having three kids. We began naming them even before we were engaged. It was fun to talk about this future.

We were naive.

But there is still hope.

We have been given an incredible gift with our N8! In fact his name means 'God has given'.

We have 2 more littles waiting for their chance at life. It feels more nerve wracking thinking about our FET as it will be our one chance at a sibling for N8. There are still many dollars we will need to raise and save and sell things and recycle bottles before we will get to have our chance. Coming to terms that it is only a chance and it is our only is difficult. The first time around we were given a minimum of 2 chances... now we only have one chance.

In the months ahead as we begin to save up once again we would love your prayers.

Class on Breastfeeding

August 7, 2013

I went to this class on my own, simply due to the way plans were laid out for the week. The same lady who did the first class we went to was also teaching this one, so it is a good thing Paul didn't come as he had a hard time listening to her voice the first time around. This time it seemed like she had a much better handle on speaking to a class though of course she again was heavily relying on her pre-made slides and videos. She did give some good techniques and tips to try as well as information about our "free" Obamacare breast pump (more on that later) and that some companies actually cover the cost of a double electric breast pump (I am looking into that!). I am still reading through the info pack that was given to us and while it gives good information I know that the real deal can vary greatly from the ideal.

Baby Care Basics

August 3, 2013

The second class we took was a class that discussed all of the what happens when we get home questions. Things like how to swaddle, put on a diaper, taking care of the umbilical cord nub, how to bathe the baby, circumcision care, what happens when baby is sick, what to do if the baby just keeps crying and you have tried "everything".... etc. A good majority of the information we already knew, though it was still fun to practice doing all these different things with a doll in a class full of other couples preparing to bring home their firstborns as well.

Labor and Delivery class

It was quite interesting 'people watching' in class. It felt like the lady who was teaching the class had never spoken to a group of people before. The class itself was a what to expect overview of labor and delivery, kaiser policies, creating birth plans and a question and answer time. Not a whole lot of new information for us, but others seemed to really get something out of the class.

Tapping the Veins

May 24, 2013

After drinking the gross orange liquid for my glucose tolerance test I started feeling nauseous pretty immediately. I worried that this meant I was not tolerating it and would not pass the test as last time I did not feel sick at all. I waited about 30 minutes and then headed over to the lab to get my blood drawn, so thankful that Dr. Y doesn't make you drink it at the lab and then sit around for a whole hour. Got to the lab and had my blood drawn for the testing to take place. 

Results:

WBC's - 9.7 -  normal range 4.0-11.0

RBC - 4.17 - normal range 4.20-5.40

HGB - 12.1 - normal range 12.0-16.0

HCT - 37.0 - normal range 37.0-47.0

MCV - 88.7 -  normal range 81.0-99.0

MCH - 29.0 -  normal range 27.0-35.0

MCHC - 32.7 - normal range 32.0-37.0

RDW - 14.1-  normal range 11.5-14.5

Platelets - 209 - normal range 130-400

1 hour glucose test - 100 - normal range 70-130

My blood sugar is looking great! 

No 3 hour test for me!

I PASSED!!! 

Classes

Kaiser offers a number of different classes on topics such as: Having a Healthy Pregnancy, Labor & Delivery, Baby Care Basics, Lamaze and Breastfeeding. As I mentioned in my last post since this may be our one and only Hutchkin I want to take full advantage of all the different experiences we can take part in, no matter how cheesy it may be. So we are signed up for the majority of the classes listed above which will take place during July and August. Oh back to school....

Half-Baked

In 'celebration' of hitting 20 weeks on April 20 we headed out to Baby's R Us and Target in order to begin our registries. It didn't take long to be overwhelmed by the options of stuff. So we figured we would scan items we were interested in (different brands, colors, styles of the same item) and then we would be able to do our research once we got home and pick which item was the best fit for us, the safest, the best rated etc. Of course all of that research did not happen until much, much later (like this week!) but we had good intentions. This outing of creating a registry was a significant milestone for us,  the half way point, that this could be our reality in a few more months.

Flying

As I will be taking a short trip late in my pregnancy I started looking up what possible restrictions were....

Going through security - metal detectors which produces an electromagnetic field are considered safe for everyone including pregnant women. The new body scan machines emit the same type of radiation that an x-ray machine such as at the dentists office would and these are much more controversial. No long term studies have been done on them since they are so new. To play it safe if you are chosen to go through the body scanner I would opt to have a pat down or the use of one of the hand held metal detectors instead.

For domestic travel - while each airline has different rules on when you can and cannot travel I have surprisingly found that most of them will let you travel up until your 38th week! Some companies will not allow you on if you are within 30 days of your due date though so be sure to check before booking any tickets. Make sure to visit your doctor  a few days before your flight so that you can get a note from him/her stating that it is safe for you to fly and what your estimated due date is and that you are not likely to go into labor within the next 72 hours.

If you have a condition or complication such as diabetes, high blood pressure, placental abnormalities, any bleeding or you are under observation for preterm labor, or you are carrying multiples it would be in your best interest to postpone any travel plans!

Make sure to make your flight as comfortable as possible by drinking lots of fluids (WATER!), choose a seat with optimal leg room, wear comfortable/loose clothing, try to not cross your legs and wear your safety belt below your abdomen.

Costly

Everyone has different insurance coverage and costs but I thought I would share what our out of pocket expenses were for the drugs I used during our IVF treatment. Had I chosen to wait another month before beginning IVF we would have researched having meds shipped in from overseas where they cost a lot less but since I didn't want to wait until after the holidays to begin I researched local pharmacies trying to find the lowest prices. I checked out Costco, Freedom, CVS, Walgreens, towndrugstore.com and MDR pharmacies. Even though towndrugstore.com had better prices on some items I did not go through them because of how long their shipping was going to take. When all was said and done I went with MDR.

Follistim AQ - 600iu injection - quantity 3 - $1,370.94
Menopur - 75iu injection - quantity 10 - $759.80
Ganirelix - 250mcg injection - quantity 4 - $331.72
Vivelle 'dot' - 0.1mg patch - quantity 4 boxes - $46.97
Estradiol - 2mg tab - quantity 60 - $34.79
Endometrin - 100mg tab - quantity 36 - $165.84
Progestrone - 200mg lozenge - quantity 60 - $179.40
Leuprolide - 4mg injection - quantity 2 - $89.73
Codeine - 30mg tab - quantity 10 - $9.73
Doxycycline - 100mg capsule - quantity 2 - $4.47
Reclipsen (birth control) - 1 month supply - $15.09

The above would have cost even more if I had not asked my nurse at the clinic if they had any patients who donated their leftovers to the clinic because I got lucky! I was given 600iu of Follistim, a box of Endometrin, and 1 injection of Ganirelix which helped to cut down my costs by about $500!

This was just the beginning I had to order additional supplies of the Vivelle, Estradiol, Endometrin and Progestrone as I had a positive result from my IVF. These drugs were all taken until the end of my 1st trimester since I was not released to an OB until I was 10 weeks along I paid the prices above over and over again for the refills. Once you are released to an OB some will agree you should stay on the drugs above and they will then be covered by insurance. If your OB doesn't think they are necessary you will continue to pay out of pocket for them.

Exercise while Pregnant!

I am bringing this up because I have gotten some odd-ball looks, strange comments and people expressing concern. So let me start by saying exercise during pregnancy is a good thing! Also, I am quite aware of my limitations and would never do an exercise I was not comfortable doing.

Advantages of exercise while pregnant - Exercising regularly while pregnant can help decrease some discomforts experienced while pregnant such as backaches and fatigue. According to WebMD there is evidence that engaging in physical activity may prevent gestational diabetes. It certainly relieves stress and can build stamina needed during labor.

Be cautious in the types of exercise your choose. Walking and swimming are always great exercises but additionally you can modify many other options even including lifting weights! There are of course certain types of exercise that should be avoided: contact sports, downhill skiing, gymnastics, horseback riding, running (if you weren't a runner before), snowboarding, scuba diving, surfing, water-skiing, and tennis (moderate paced game is ok, but be careful because your center of gravity has shifted and you may have trouble keeping your balance with the sudden starts and stops).

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends getting at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week. Stop exercising immediately and seek medical help if you start bleeding, have shortness of breath, dizziness, fainting, chest pain, muscle weakness, decreased fetal movement, calf pain or swelling (indicators of blood clots), or symptoms of preterm labor.

There are certain conditions that may cause exercise to not be advisable during pregnancy such as: asthma, heart disease, diabetes, low lying placenta, threatened or recurrent miscarriage, history of early labor, previous premature births, bleeding or spotting and a weak cervix.

The biggest thing is to listen to your body. If an exercise doesn't feel right, stop. If you aren't comfortable doing a certain type of exercise, don't do it. If you find yourself with any of the above symptoms while exercising, stop. It is key to know your limitations and pay attention to the cues your body is giving you.

Obviously you should talk to your doctor before starting any type of exercise and  FOLLOW YOUR DOCTORS ADVICE regarding any physical activity! And always make sure you are hydrating yourself!

Counterproductive

It is comical the looks I get when I say before you start IVF you are put on birth control pills. 
Yes, I realize it sounds crazy and counterproductive... 

From a fertility blogger who summed it up quite well,
You’ll be on birth control pills from 14 to 21 days. Taking these may seem counterproductive, however they do an important thing. They help get your hormones under some kind of exact control in the cycle just before your actual IVF cycle. Using them has proved to also reduce your chances of Ovarian Hyperstimulation and ovarian cysts, therefore increasing your chances for a successful IVF.  As mentioned before, not all women will be given birth control pills.  An example would be a patient with a lower ovarian reserve (fewer eggs).

So, now you know that it helps to time the IVF cycle, get hormones in check and possibly help OHSS to not happen. 

Kinda like car shopping

We have begun to attend seminars at our top fertility clinics. It is somewhat overwhelming and exciting with a splash of nerve-racking throwin in for good measure.

We attended our first seminar this past Thursday and felt comfortable with the place and liked the doctor. Since we attended their informational session they will do our initial consult for free. Once the doctor has had a chance to review our files and any new information he will decide if he feels he can help us or not. If the doctor doesn't think he can get you pregnant he won't take you on as a patient (intense!). This clinic does have "low cost" options and we would really like to qualify for one of those, if we don't we will check out our other top choices and see if we can get into any of their programs.

Here is the packet that was handed out at the seminar.

Please pray for the Lord to guide us in this decision making process

Fruitless Fathers Day

by Andy Thornhill (who struggled with his wife through 5 years of infertility)

June 17, 2012 is a Sunday. That Sunday is Father’s Day. You have to pay homage to your father but inside you are missing something because you are one of the many men who have to face down an invisible enemy, infertility. Infertility hits men in the most tender of spots, their ego. Men are a fascinating lot. Most of us were raised to be tough. We were raised to be fair but to protect, especially the women we love but sometimes our toughness is our weakness. We forget to address what eats at us and in the end that can hurt the ones we love and are hereditarily raised to protect. Father’s Day approaches and inside you are shaken because maybe you feel you will never be a father. Maybe you feel you are not living to your wife’s expectations because the infertility battle has yielded only pain. Maybe you are looking for a fight as a way to quell the pain that manifests in your heart. Like most men you probably don’t express these feelings. Rubbish!!!!!

This Father’s Day, use the feelings in your soul to reevaluate your situation. If you have not shared your feelings with your wife maybe this is the time to do so. Full discretion of the heart during times like these can only strengthen a couples resolve to see their way through difficult times. Just because you have yet to reach the finish line does not mean that you bail out of the race. A strong couple can conquer the greatest of foes. When you work together you listen closer at your doctors appointments and collectively hear more. My wife and I rarely remembered everything that happened at a doctor’s appointment but together we could fill in each other’s blanks. If you share with your feelings with your wife and use your emotions to fuel your wish to beat infertility then your odds at fulfilling your shared dreams greatly increase.

When you doubt yourself ask yourself what you would tell your child if she doubted herself and wanted to give in. You already have the heart of a father and time, tenacity, and a little luck could bring that child to you. My Dad has not given me a ton of advice in my life. The reason is because I have not solicited it. The advice he has given though has always been simple and often only a few sentences; straight and to the point. I recently asked him why our family fights so much. His answer was simple and honest. He said, “Damn kid when they fight that’s how they communicate. They love each other all the same.” That answer may not fit all families but for this one it made sense. I tell you that story to suggest that maybe this Father’s Day you take a chance and talk to your dad about your feelings. He may have a one liner or two that will get you through. Stay strong my brothers and know you are not measured by what you have but who you are and you are amazing.

Thoughts on Fathers Day

By Keiko Zoll

So often men get lost in the infertility shuffle. Society often assumes that infertility is a “female” problem, but as we infertility patients know, it’s male-factor related in one-third of all cases. Even so, regardless of with whom the root causes of infertility reside within a couple, infertility does not discriminate emotionally between men and women. How that emotional impact is felt and is shown may look a little different between women and men, but the fact that infertility cuts deep remains the same.

That’s what can make Father’s Day exceptionally painful for our male counterparts.

For women facing infertility and Mother’s Day, we often hear sentiments of pity couched in hope: “Oh sweetie, maybe next year will be your year.” For men, elements of machismo find their way into Father’s Day sentiments from Now Days to hopeful Someday Days: “You’re lucky you don’t have kids” or “Here, you want mine?”

These sentiments, however well intentioned, obfuscate the very real and very valid pain men who are experiencing infertility may be feeling during these emotionally-charged holidays. And when men’s emotions are kept within a socially rigid dynamic, finding ways to express this pain can be even harder. For many men, admitting feelings of pain, grief and guilt – even to their own partners – is a sign of weakness.

And so for a lot of men experiencing infertility – who want nothing more than to be Fathers, Papas, Dads and Daddies – they feel forgotten come that third Sunday in June.

No matter how you choose to celebrate or acknowledge Father’s Day this year – or choose not to – it’s important to remember that there are Someday Dads out there, too.

Here’s to my husband.

And here’s to your partners and husbands. Here’s to all the Someday Dads: we won’t forget you.

Thoughts on this Mother's Day

I am intentionally skipping church this morning, because it would just be too difficult. Even though my church honors 'all' mothers (they ask every woman to stand no matter if you are a mother or not to receive a flower) I can't stand up, I feel like a fraud. Today while you are busy celebrating your mom or being a mom yourself I ask you to pause for a moment to mourn with those who mourn. Today is an especially difficult day for many more people than you can imagine. Some didn't have a good mom growing up, some don't have their mom here on earth with them, some never got the chance to hold their baby here on earth, some have had to bury their child, some never had the chance to have a child, some are dealing with infertility or secondary infertility. An enormous amount of women have aching hearts and empty arms this 'Mother's Day'.

A fellow blogger wrote:
It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the commercials for cards and flowers and myriad of morning-show segments all dedicated to the one thing you want most. And then you throw in the Sunday morning church service, with its peppy messages to “all the moms out there,” and you are now one conversation away from a meltdown.


What is the Christian’s response to all of this? Surely the answer cannot be to completely throw the proverbial Mother’s Day baby out with the muddy, consumer-driven bathwater. Instead, Paul’s simple exhortation to the Romans is a helpful framework for thinking through our response. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). How do you obey the biblical command to “rejoice with those who rejoice,” when rejoicing feels like a knife stabbing you in the heart? The truth is sometimes it is just plain hard. Good news does not always come at convenient times. In fact, sometimes the news of a friend’s pregnancy comes right after you have spent the morning weeping over your own inability to conceive. Sometimes the mother/daughter tea at church comes right after a low day of missing your own mom. 


This life is messy and sorrowful, something Paul understood when he wrote these words. Sometimes rejoicing with someone else means expressing genuine joy over their good blessing, while you wait bereaved and barren. This never negates the reality of our suffering, but it does help us to give honor where honor is due, especially on a day like Mother’s Day. 


Motherhood is a high and glorious calling. In a culture where motherhood is increasingly under attack, we should be the first to embrace and honor the gift of motherhood, even if it is a gift we have yet to receive. But as Christians, we must remember that there is a second part to that command. As hard as it is to rejoice with someone who has something you don’t, it is equally if not more difficult to weep with those who weep, especially when their tragedy seems foreign to you. How do you weep alongside the weeping woman while you have a happy, healthy baby bouncing on your hip? The reality is that if your life is fairly blessed and carefree on Mother’s Day, it is a lot easier to obey the first part of Romans 12:15. Yet we should be the first to enter into the pain that this day so often brings to so many women. From sharing a Scripture with a grieving friend to giving a card to a woman who is struggling with infertility, simply acknowledging the ache that many face is obeying the command to “weep with those who weep.” 


Motherhood is a great gift and calling, but it also bears the stamp of this fallen world. With the name “mother of all living” came the curse that the very thing we were created for would now be marred by death, pain, and loss. The answer is not to call for a moratorium on all celebrations. But nor is the answer to pretend like nothing is wrong. Regardless of your situation this Mother’s Day, Romans 12:15 is true for you. It does not take away the pain you might feel. Nor does it diminish the joy you might feel. And if we were truly honest with ourselves, we would say that obeying this command in the thick of your pain or joy is virtually impossible. 


We need Christ’s help to enable us to serve one another well in every season of life. Ecclesiastes tells us that there is a time for everything, and Mother’s Day is no exception. May our churches be a place where the glory of motherhood is upheld and honored, but the pain and sorrow of those who long for what they do not have is honored as well.

 I am asking you to remember those who are mourning while you are enjoying your flowers, cards, store bought or handmade gifts. Say a prayer for them, give them a hug, even just acknowledging their pain can be a comfort.

AMA?

I have taken matters into my own hands. I am guessing if I had asked an MD about this they would advise against it, so I didn't bother to ask. Through some internet searching -- you really can find everything -- I located a pharmacy outside the US who doesn't require a Drs prescription to get infertility drugs (pill form only, no injectibles). Let me say that if I had not already been through the process, had monitoring apts every 2 days for cycle after cycle I would NOT begin taking a drug off the internet. Because I know approx. how my body will react to each dosage I have purchased some of the aforementioned drugs. So that I do not have adverse effects from the drug that can be avoided (some side-effects are going to happen no matter what) I will only be ingesting the drugs every other month. 

The medication will just encourage egg development by telling my body to increase certain hormones. It will give us a small boost towards conception during the months it is being used. I do know things to watch out for so that if too many hormones are being produced I will of course go see my nurse from back in the day at Kaiser. She is a sweet lady and calls me just to check up on how things are going every now and then. She has been just as baffled about our delay in becoming parents as we were. 

I will not know specifically how things are going in a given month until I either come to the end/beginning of a cycle. We would appreciate your continued prayers that we will come to the end of this journey SOON! 

I am so appreciative of my friends who are praying for us, encouraging of us, hug giving, chin lifting, awesome people. Thank You from the depths of my being!

Victory

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their "Win a Vasectomy" campaign. I still wish they had given a REAL formal apology for insulting what NIAW stands for and how much it hurt infertiles.

Keiko did a video blog about it.

The hits keep coming

While PETA has taken the "in honor of" from in front of NIAW they replaced it with the word "during" NIAW. This is a slap in the face to those of us who suffer from infertility. In more responses that I have read from PETA they are dismissive, and then go on for multiple paragraphs talking about the poor animals that need saving, and that the overpopulation is harming the planet -- 1) you are an "animal rights" group 2) telling an infertile to "just adopt" is not okay 3) it is still insensitive to have your contest be linked to NIAW!

Read Keiko's updated blog today

--even the adoption community agrees with our thoughts and actions--

A Response from PETA

I personally wrote PETA what I thought about their contest and have yet to hear a response back however my fellow infertile Keiko did get a response to hers. Please visit her blog to read PETAs "apology".

PETA however says that the world is overpopulated and that is why they are giving away a vascetomy, what a slap in an infertiles face! They don't care that we are hurt by this campaign because hey at least we aren't putting more strain on the world by creating life which puts more demands on our planet. ARRRRGGGHH! I am furious!

Here's what you can do! Email them, call them, blog about this, tweet about it, and please sign this lovely petition.

Lisa Goeke got this response from PETA:
Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge, but it isn’t helpful to act on all our urges, no matter how strong. The issue is not whether one is infertile but whether it is responsible to keep adding people to a planet whose resources are already being stretched. In America, most peo...ple eat well, have a roof over their heads, and buy gasoline, but in much of the rest of the world, people are starving, forests are disappearing, and water is running out, and it seems a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes. Since most of the e-mails we are receiving from people who’ve read about our contest on infertility blogs are quite uncivil, perhaps some soul searching needs to be done on the part of those who would rather throw stones than engage in discourse.

Here is what Resolve has to say about PETA

I am not saying PETA needs to stop their contest however, it'd be nice to have an actual apology from PETA. At the very least they need to take the "in honor of NIAW" off their contest. It's completely disrespectful to all of us suffering from infertility!