Final monitoring

My last sonogram was done today. Wow were those follicles growing! The RE mentioned that I had 2 follicles at size 20. This is a big growth as 3 days before that they were 13s. Generally they grow 1mm each day. Mine grew about 2mm each day, I suppose that could be because of the increase in medication for me. I am not sure what sizes the other follicles were but I would estimate they grew about 4-6mm from what they were at my last appointment as well. I do not know what the odds of all of those follicles having eggs, or how many eggs might be released. I was given my HCG shot right there on the spot and told to come back tomorrow for the IUI @ 9am.

My abdomen has been feeling really full and I have been taking naps every day (so not normal for me). My mind feels fuzzy much of the time, like I cant completely concentrate on anything completely.

My Mr. is an amazing man. We don't sit down and have long drawn out conversations about what is going on, but we do discuss our fears, dreams, hopes. We hope and pray that it works this time. We know there is a much higher chance of getting pregnant this month but IF we don't we also know that it isn't the end of our journey. We know people who have gotten pregnant spontaneously after going through much more, with DX of IF and knowing what is wrong. We wont give up our hope, although sometimes it is insanely difficult and we feel as though we have been run over by a dump truck.

blog from IFer who finds reasons to smile through IF

Why am I not pregnant yet? I ask. I plead. I beg,
Why won’t Mr. Sperm just fertilize my egg?
It feels like everyone is pregnant, everyone but us,
Please let us jump on board this crowded fertile bus.
Baby bumps are everywhere! Please just grant our wish,
Even our goldfish, Patches, is expecting a baby fish!
Celebrities seem to sport a bump and a pregnant glow,
While I get bloated from fertility meds and curse my Aunty Flo.
We have tried EVERYTHING from doctors to special tea,
Every month, we plant our seeds so fertilize my tree!
And then we have to wait and wait to get our special sign,
But still a negative pregnancy test flashes just one line.
I can’t wait to be a mom, it will fill my life with roses,
Bring on the dirty diapers, puke and runny noses!
Our hearts are filled with anguish and our throats just have a lump,
We just want our miracle baby and that special baby bump.
But one day it will be our turn, I really do believe,
Our miracle will happen and then I will conceive.
Until then, we will save our tears and just learn how to cope,
We will still enjoy our lives and hold onto hope.

Mid-cycle

Had my mid-cycle appointment this morning. Luckily I did not have Ms. Meany-pants. The nurse took a look and said everything is looking good. My lining is over a 10. I have 4 follicles on each ovary and 2 on each side are growing nicely. The right side has 2 follicles at size 13+ and the left has 2 follicles at 11+ and 10+. We are praying in the next 3 days the left side catches up to the right side. I am to continue with the 3amps Menopur and go back to the RE on Thursday. We are looking at a Friday or Saturday IUI.

I am scared that this is our last shot.
I am frightened it wont work, or if it does that the pregnancy wont be viable.
I am prayerful. Lord please help me through this.

blog from IFer who did 5 IVFs

I'm doing ok.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I'm living the phrase "fake it til you make it" to keep a good perspective on life and infertility. And what it has done to me.

Believe me, it has done a number on me.

And I don' t always have to fake it. Most of the time I am genuinely happy. And genuinely happy for others as they attain what I cannot. That's a switch, as I must confess there was a time, when I was deep in the trenches of IVF, that seeing someone else succeed grabbed me around the heart and squeezed hard as I would have that desperate sense that "there's another BFP gone and it wasn't mine." I know you understand.

Recently I was on an IF blog and saw a link to a whole lotta CCRM blogs, all grouped together. And you know they were nearly all successes.

Maybe I should stop reading IF blogs? I try to keep supporting those who are in the trenches, sometimes I get support back, but sometimes not. I know there's not as much to say when someone's not actively in the process.

Seeing that dedicated CCRM blog roll just reminded me that I'm in such an isolated club. Yes, I know there are other members and man am I glad to have found them, though sorry they're in it with me. And I know there are so many 'clubs' of IF that are horrible and awful and dreadful but why do there have to be any at all? Why did this have to happen this way?

I love to read Lis's blog because she is so raw and honest. I hate with all my heart what has happened to her but I'm honored to know her and to support her on her journey. She wrote a post recently entitled "Still." She wrote this: "it still hits me about three minutes after i wake up" and she is referring to the loss of her beautiful twin girls.

While I have not suffered a physical loss such as she has, it still sometimes hits me that I'm infertile. That we're at the end of the road. We're done with massive amounts of treatment and it did.not.work.

Huh?

It didn't work? How's that again?

How is it that we poured every ounce of our being into making a baby and couldn't? How is it that the top clinic in the country couldn't help us, not once, but twice? How is it that we went through five in vitro cycles and still are only attending birthday parties and baby showers as outside guests and never holding our own?

Huh?

So yeah, I know I wrote my last post about not being paralyzed.

I'm not.

But I still hurt.

Somedays more than others. Somedays not much at all. Somedays so much I think all the healing has been for nothing because I'll never be healed.

Damn.



...........................
I know that we have not been through nearly as much as this woman and her husband but many of the same sentaments are true for us as well. We arent yet imbarking on the IVF journey but we have gone through 6 IUI's. I am fearful that this could be my story. Dear Lord, please bless us with our baby.

post from fellow IFer who already had 1 miscarriage

I had a post all typed up yesterday about how nervous I was about the ultrasound today. I listed all the things that I thought could go wrong - no fetal pole, no heartbeat, empty sac, no yolk sac. Funny thing is the one thing that happened, I didn't mention on that list. I didn't publish that post because it was pretty lame bunch of rambling and I knew only time would tell if things were okay.

Last night I was having some serious abdominal cramping. I couldn't figure out what was causing it but thought it might be gas / constipation. Then just before bed, I saw it, bright red blood flowing. Fuck, I thought, it's over.

I cried big wet tears last night and finally got myself to sleep. Overnight I didn't have much more significant bleeding, just a bit of brown on the pad when I got up this morning. So, I wasn't feeling very positive about the pregnancy, but I thought maybe, just maybe there was a chance that things were still okay. I cried most of the way to the doctor's office and I was petrified of what was going to come out of that appointment.

The ultrasound was long. After a few minutes of moving and clicking, the tech told me she couldn't find anything in my uterus. Obviously not good news. I asked if maybe since the dates were off and it implanted late if it could still be too small to see. Not really with the way my beta levels were last week. Then she said she would start looking in the fallopian tubes. She saw something that looked suspicious in my right tube and went to grab the doctor.

My doctor came in and said that I was 6 weeks today and there should be something visible in the uterus at this point if this was a viable pregnancy, even if I was a few days behind. After looking at the suspicious mass in my tube, she said that this is an ectopic pregnancy and they'll draw blood and if my beta levels are still rising, they'll give me methatrexate to dissolve the pregnancy tomorrow morning. Then I we'll be out of TTC for another 3 months. If they're low, I might get out of getting the shot if the pregnancy is being dissolved naturally, but either way, this pregnancy is not viable. There's no way that this could work.

Goodbye, 2010 baby. Goodbye my little amazing surprise.

Another time where my hopes a dreams get crushed.

Why is this happening? Can't I catch a fucking break at some point? How the hell am I supposed to go on? How the heck am I supposed to function after all of this heartache?

Why me? Why can't I have a baby? Why does my wanting heart get stomped on over and over again? Why is this so fucking hard?

I don't know what to do with myself. I took the day off of work. I don't know if I'll be able to make it in tomorrow. I don't know how I'm supposed to care about anything right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Last Chance

I went in for my baseline appointment and I was given the all clear. The 3 cysts are gone, thank the Lord! The protocol for this round has been changed slightly. I will still take 2 tablets of Clomid for 5 days. After that I will be doing 3amps of Menopur (up from 2 the previous cycles) until the follicles are large enough and we are ready to do the IUI.

The nurse I saw today was quite rude. Telling me it was not okay to show up on day 2 of my cycle instead of day 3. (does it really make a difference?) She reprimanded me even though I explained I had to be down at my mom's that evening and there was no way I would have been able to come in on Saturday morning. Said next time if that happened I would just have to cancel the cycle and come back the following month. (look at my chart, there wont be a NEXT MONTH!) I really dislike her. She is always in a foul mood.

Every Month

post from IFer that really resonated with me

I'm feeling "bored" with infertility. I'm just so over it. Give me a new challenge because I suck at this one.

We've been TTC for four years. This is ridiculous.*

As we go through this IUI, it just seems like were going through the motions. In my gut, I just feel that it's not going to work. And, this doesn't feel particularly upsetting. It just feels realistic. I've been feeling more annoyed about the time, money and effort involved than sad about the fact that a baby is not in our future.

I've assimilated to the fact that my relationships with most of my friends is forever changed. I'm totally comfortable saying no to baby showers, 1st birthday parties, etc. I've learned to avoid the most painful infertility "triggers". I have an "edge" that I didn't used to, but that's ok. The emptiness, bitterness, pain, sadness, and loneliness (and hope?) are all still there, but they are contained (usually). I am thankful for so many great things in my life.

I know that in time I'll feel differently than I do now. Even though the TTC goal is a constant, nothing else about IF is. For now, I'll just enjoy the break from tears, overanalysis, etc.

I'm wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and Easter. I have my IUI procedure today and will send out an update on that before too long.

*I know there are those out there who have been trying for longer and have endured more.

Cystic

I had to drag myself into the office this month. I was not in a good place emotionally. The thought of beginning the process all over again after the 5th BFN was daunting. Gayle did my baseline sonogram and found 3 cysts on my ovaries.

I was semi relieved that no treatment would be happening this month. However, I was worried about the cysts. As long as they go away in the next month we will begin treatment again in April. If the cysts dont go away I will probably have to go through a procedure to remove them.

I am scared to think about all the questions that will have to be answered if we dont get a positive result during our last IUI attempt. But I am terrified of not being able to move forward.

HaHa

Refrigerate your meds

What do you do if you have to head down to San Diego and you have Progesterone suppositories you need to keep cold?

You stop off at the Mobil and get a giant cup of ice of course.

5th times the charm... ?

Yesterday, Feb 15th was IUI #5. Really hoping 5 is our lucky number. My Mr. got up bright and early to do his thing. I headed off to Kaiser and arrived just on time for my appointment. Went back to the REs office and had my blood pressure taken. Then the boys headed to the contraption below which spins them around to get the best ones and give them a wash. About 55 minutes I was called back to empty my bladder and get ready for the procedure. When you get to the room there is always a microscope set up so you can take a look at your possible future children.

This is the tray set up with some of the tools that will be used for the IUI. I was concerned that the New Girl was doing my IUI solo, the fact that I had not been instructed to use my Cytotec or had the opportunity to use the Lamineria. I just started to pray! With the memory of the last very painful IUI fresh in my brain I was freaking out on the inside.

The New Girl was amazing though! She did not have to use a clamp as they have had to in the past so I didn't have any bleeding. New Girl claimed to have gotten all the way in, which I want to believe in my core but it is hard since last time it hurt so bad to get it in there. She also used a very different technique of having me lift and lower my bum slowly about half a dozen times during the procedure while she was inserting the catheter. Again amazing, there was some pain but it was minimal. I had a bit of discomfort and cramping but again minimal. Praise GOD!!!

Now comes the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT.

Starting tomorrow I will be using Progesterone vaginal suppositories for the next two weeks. I will have my beta test on March 1st. If it comes back positive I will be continuing the Progesterone till I am 12 weeks pregnant. In the sad fact of it being negative I stop the Progesterone and head back to the REs office on the first day of my next cycle.

Come on little miracle. It is time for you to show your face!

Praying now that this is THE month, that the New Girl did actually get everything where it belongs and everything will move forward smoothly from this point.

Not again....

On Saturday Grumpy Old Lady and Senile Old Lady were there, where are my regular REs!! Of course I get Senile Old Lady. She is a bit more proficient in the photo category but has trouble multi-tasking. Forgets if she gave you back your medical card, and this time while looking at my sonogram photos realized she forgot to get one of my endometrium. So, I had to go back in the room have another sonogram done and once I was dressed for the second time and back in the office she announces "see I did take a photo of it." It was on the sheet she was originally looking at when she decided she didn't take it.

Finally she got her self together and managed to book me an appointment for my 5th IUI on Monday the 15th. I was told to take my HCG injection on Saturday evening. Which is also very different from any other cycle we have done. Usually we did the HCG on the night before the IUI not a day and a half before.

The IUI will take place on the 14th day of my cycle whereas all 4 of our other cycles it was between day 18-20. I am hoping that maybe all of this just means that my body is on track this cycle and that THIS IS IT!

So that is where we are at. Praying, wishing, hoping and giving it to God.

Nelly the Needle

CD 8-11 this month we used 2amps of Menopur. The last time we did a Clomid/Menopur cycle we had to do injections for 9 days! This time only 4 days...This cycle has been all over the place. I was upset when on Friday the regular REs were not in the office. There was New Girl and Grumpy Old Lady, and with my luck of the draw I got New Girl. She had a difficult time getting good photos of my follicles the only other time she did my sonogram. The first time she had to have the regular RE step in to get the job done. This time she said she saw 2 follicles on the left and nothing on the right... um, yea 2 days ago there were 9! I had to go in again on Saturday for another sonogram since my follicles were getting so big.

Pill Poppin

I am on 100mg of Clomid CD3-7Getting my meds ready for the evening.

My 2 Clomid, low dose aspirin and vitamin

I have been getting myself to the track again and between beginning my new cycle and the jog/walking I feel my spirit being lifted. I pray constantly that things will work out, that we will be able to have our child. I feel strongly that God wouldn't put this deep desire in my heart just to cause pain. Tomorrow is appointment #2 so we can see how things are progressing along. Praying that everything is moving forward smoothly and that lots of follicles are developing.

You know you are infertile when....

You go to pick up your prescriptions from the pharmacy

&

they hand you a grocery bag!Here is my arsenal for the next month

I have been in a sad place for the last couple weeks. I was not happy about having to wait a cycle because they wanted to see me on day 7 and that would have been the day after New Years. Last time I checked Jan. 2nd was not a holiday! Anyways. At my appointment the RE said everything looks good, no cysts or other worries. We are off and running with our 5th attempt. Here goes nothing (everything)!

Really? Really!

Just what every infertile wants to see every single time they have to go in for a sonogram to see how their follicles are doing...

A WALL OF BABIES!

Sometimes it gives me hope, sometimes it makes me mad.

Look at all those beautiful miracles, where's ours?

Seriously!

After 38 stinkin days AF finally decided to arrive. A week late! I truly hate when that happens because there is a glimmer of hope and it hurts so much more when AF is late than if she arrived on time. In just a little bit I will be calling the RE and setting up my CD3 apt. for IUI #5.

I am exhausted from trying to get pregnant...when will it happen...

Duh

NOT pregnant. I went in for blood tests 2 days before Christmas and got a BFN. I cannot begin to explain the heartache that ensued. It felt as though I had gone into shock. I was so certain that the treatment was going to work this time. There was much sobbing and just letting DH hold me. This time hurt so much more than the others. I cannot explain why. On Christmas Eve I did everything possible to convince the Mr. that I should stay home instead of going to his folks for the festivities. I was very unsure that I could hold myself together for an evening.

I have a peace about going forward with treatment. I am ready to get back in there. We had to take a month off because of timing over the holidays. So now I wait out the next few weeks till I can begin my next round of treatment.

been there...